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5 Final Texts To Send Before You Die Of Boredom At UCF’s Next Home Game

Once you get to Spectrum Stadium, the true horrors of football are exposed: overpriced beer at every corner, dudes without shirts on covered in more body paint than you knew possible, and bathrooms that are so dirty that a urinary tract infection will be better than having to step foot in one of those places. But, the biggest horror of them all? Boredom. Many get so bored that they feel death is right around the corner picking up nachos at the concession stand. So before you say adios to everyone for good, here are five text messages to send before you succumb to boredom at UCF’s next home game.  

5.) Your mom: 

Your parents aren’t just there as an ATM–they care about you. Make sure before you finally lose your battle with boredom to send your mom one last text. Unfortunately, since college kids tend to be overdramatic, parents don’t always understand the gravity of the situation.

4.) Your ex: 

Maybe it’s the $15 Bud Light that’s reminding you but you never signed out of your Netflix account on your ex’s TV. You can’t let her win and keep mooching off your Netflix account (that you happen to steal from your grandparents, but that’s not the point). You’re gonna be stuck in purgatory while she kicks back watching the new season of Arrested Development. You can’t let that happen.

3.) Your roommate:

You haven’t always had the best relationship with your roommate. There was that week that you drew a chalk line down the middle of your room because he kept leaving socks on your side. But nothing mends relationships like death, and the need to get rid of all the Asian MILF porn you have hidden on your computer.

2.) Your old best friend from high school:

Sometimes in death people look back and remember fondly on their life experiences. All you can think about is how annoying all your friends from high school were. You may not be able to remove those experiences from your thoughts, but you can let them know how much you loathe the thought of them.

1.) Your significant other:

No one really knows whats happens when you go. For all you know, the afterlife could just be a big frat party in the sky. If that’s the case, do you really wanna be tied down to some girl who dips her food in soda?

Football is a taxing and grueling sport for the athletes and the fans. Make sure you are prepared to set all your affairs in order next time you get roped into going to a UCF game because it could be your last.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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