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Slightly Concerning: Freshman Stoked After Passing First ‘Exam’ That Was Really Just An STD Screening

Tobias Masters, a 21-year-old freshman at UCF, finally passes his first official test on UCF on Monday, which was really just a STD screening from the campus health center. Masters tested negative for herpes, chlamydia, and gonorrhea, though tested positive for other “unheard-of” STDs.

“I’m in complete shock, people talk about how great it feels to pass tests all the time, I just never imagined it’d feel this great,” Masters explained.

Unfortunately, Masters seemed rather unaware of the fact that passing a STD screening is generally not looked at as an accomplishment and has no plans of seeking any further medical attention. “What the love-bumps down south? Those are nothing, they will go away in a few weeks” Masters informed The Black Sheep. 

Masters, a second-year freshman, has spent more time getting acquainted with Mr. Daniels than Hemingway. Entering his fourth semester with six credit hours under his belt, Masters knew that this had to be his semester of change.

On the verge of expulsion, vowed to spend more time reading school books than playing beer pong. “If I fail out, my parents pull the plug and I’ll have to find a real job, so this was a big win for me.”

As it turns out, the only reason Masters took the initial screening was because one of his frat bros, affectionately known as Smash Machine, bet him one of his mom’s famous meatball hoagies that he wouldn’t be able to pass the test.

“Ol’ Smash Machine here figured there was no way that I’d ever pass the test,” Masters explained. “Ironically, I didn’t even study, this girl from my psych class hit me up and we really picked each other apart, if you know what I mean.” 

Not much else is known as to Masters plans moving forward, and whether he intends to continue passing tests that he takes. What is know, if Sex Machine’s mom’s hoagies are involved, is that Masters stands a much better chance of staying on campus.

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