Whether you’ve heard of him or not, he’s your protector. Silently walking through the campus, making sure that every Knight can sleep soundly as he securely monitors every inch of the UCF campus. Even if you haven’t seen him before, you’ve probably already guessed who it is. Yup, it’s Rat Man. A self-proclaimed vigilante who uses nothing but the tail between his legs and fluffy paws to keep students safe. Although Rat Man seems to be exactly what UCF needed, some students are still skeptical. Here are 5 interviews with students who feel that Rat Man still isn’t doing enough.
5.) Becky with the good hair:
“So, you expect me to believe that Rat Man stopped a bike theft? The one that obviously looks so staged? Yeah, right. If he’s so great, why doesn’t he protect more valuable vehicles like my car that just got wrecked in Parking Garage B? Someone rear-ended me and didn’t even leave a note! My dad said if I ruined another one of my BMWs he wasn’t going pay for me to go backpacking through Europe! What am I supposed to do now? It wasn’t even my fault. Tell your stupid Rat Man to look at the bigger picture and monitor the parking garage. Better yet, build new ones already.”
4.) Acoustic guitar performer:
“I’m pretty sure this Rat Man is a great dude and all, but he should really be more focused on the community. Why doesn’t he round some people up and hold them hostage? Er, I mean ask them nicely to stay and listen to me perform one of my songs on Memory Mall? I’m really looking for my breakthrough here. My hand’s been itchin’, I know it’s coming soon. Yo, is that thing recording? Let me play Wonderwall for you!”
3.) The graduating senior:
“Rat Man? You think I have time to talk about a student dressed in a cheap rat costume? If this man is so great tell his ass to fix the Reflecting Pond. I waited four years to graduate and now there’s a chance that I won’t be able to take my pictures in front it?! If the fountain isn’t up by my graduation, Rat Man is going to be rat soup. While he’s at it, tell him to find me a Universal Knights Ticket since he thinks he’s a miracle worker or something.”
2.) UCF’s #1 fan:
“Unless this rodent plans on sacrificing himself by walking across the Pegasus Seal before his graduation to ensure that UCF has another perfect football season, I don’t want to hear about him. Tell him to get UCF the respect we deserve. I don’t want a rat walking my campus. I want another National Championship.”
1.) The slacker:
“Oh yeah, I think I heard of him. Do you think he could help me like fix my G.P.A? I’ve been trying to bring it up all semester, but my professors just won’t budge. They keep going on and about responsibility and accountability, but I don’t think they understand that’s what I’m trying to do. So what if my stuff’s a little late? Help me out here, Rat Man.”
Though not all Knights would call Rat Man a hero, that’s just part of his tragic superhero journey. There will always be naysayers and critics, but at the end of the day, we would rather have Rat Man lurking on campus, “stopping” staged bike thefts than not at all.