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Trump Takes Credit for UCF’s Flawless Football Season

This past holiday season was met with much cheer when the UCF Knights football team topped off their perfect record with their 34-27 win against the Auburn Tigers in the 2018 Peach Bowl.

An achievement in sports that is rarely seen made for a good start to the New Year. What makes it even better? Acclaim from the POTUS himself.

He told ESPN at the closing of the game, “The Milton boy is the Rocky of football, rocky with a small ‘r’ though, very small ‘r.’”

Trump explained how he taught Milton how to throw under pressure: “Milton made some poor decisions out there, not unlike my jab at the Rocket Man. Funny name, fun name, right guys? Anyway, I don’t know where our quarterback got that arm of his; I’m the one who taught him how to throw.”

Before the president could realize his faux pas, he proceeded to roast Coach Frost with another nickname, or two.

“Coach ‘Jack’ Frost should be so lucky. Now he’s leaving UCF in the cold to be a cornhusker in Nebraska. Awful decision, I would have stayed and for good too.”

Trump held the championship trophy and thought it was worth throwing. He then offered ESPN a price for the prize they could refuse, over and over again.

When asked if he ever played football, Trump replied, “I’m a General at it. It’s nothing but small potatoes to me.”

His favorite moment of the game was “the highlights” and he took a cue from UCF’s “This is Big” campaign, saying the Knights were “fantastic, [they are] nothing short of hUUUUGE! Right honey? She knows what I mean.” Melania went without comment, and it wasn’t just because of the Botox, although it spoke volumes on her behalf.

Trump posed with UCF Mascot Knightro leading to Knightro filing sexual harassment shortly after.

Counselor to the President, hoarder-on-the-weekends, and cat-lady-all-year Kellyanne Conway came to Trump’s defense telling reporters “Harass? Oh no, you have him mistaken. President Trump thought harass was two words. He was simply showing his chivalry but if he wasn’t, then Mexico will have no issue paying for it.”  

No visit from POTUS would be complete without Twitter. Upon leaving Georgia, Trump posted one of his (in)famous tweets to celebrate the occasion.

The president left the stadium playing The Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” on his way down the escalators and back to Washington, D.C. Melania was last seen eating at a local Chick-fil-A while her newly hired body double flew back with, and fooled, Trump.


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