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A UCF Freshman’s Tailgate Survival Guide

Tailgate season is the most magical time of the year at UCF. Classes are canceled, beer is bought in bulk, and there’s always a 50% chance you’ll wake up on Memory Mall with a shoe missing. For some, this is a promising new adventure. But it can also be a great opportunity to make yourself look like an idiotic freshman. Below are some survival tips to ensure that you don’t.

Wear a gas mask for the Memory Mall port-a-potty line:
This is one of the few times it sucks that UCF is practically its own city. The masses will crowd around to relieve themselves and the stench will grow and grow until it’s nearly unbearable. Whatever shit those frat boys are eating, you won’t have to suffer in it if you come prepared with the proper equipment. Just make sure you paint your mask black and gold.

Pretend you know nothing about UCF Football, even if you do:
Appearing entirely aloof about the event you are attending will make you seem so above it all. Bonus points if you don’t even go to the game and instead save up your energy for a messy night at Pub or Lib. If you’re looking for the group that will most like you for this, look for the girls shotgunning Straw-ber-ita’s. 

Leave your car on Memory Mall:
This is really a life hack because it may look like you’re just tailgating, but you’re actually trying to get a good parking spot for class on Friday morning. Good luck trying to move your car after that, though. Every time you’ll try to leave, some asshole student will jump in front of your car yelling, “Hit me! Pay my tuition, bitch!” So, maybe you’re stuck with Park and Ride after all. 

Learn sorority hand signs to get free beer at Lake Claire:
If you’d prefer to get alcohol poisoning in new company, try tailgating at Lake Claire. It’ll only take you .5 seconds to locate the Greek life crowd. Just look for their towering wooden letters that they set up for no reason other than to take Instagram pictures. And it doesn’t matter if you’re a six-foot-three man with a beer gut and a mustache. If you can scream with glee and throw up Tri Delta’s sign of sisterhood and unity, you can score some free beer. Just make sure you know which signs you’re throwing up before you throw them, or Lake Claire could turn into the battlefield for an all-out sorority girl war.

Bring your family along:
While your creepy dad hits on your friends, your older sister will make comments about how her tailgates at UF were so much better. She’s right—but you still have to get pissed off and deny it anyway. Your mom will just stare at everyone judgmentally. Once she sees whatever the hell those ATO boys are doing, she’ll wonder if there’s any way to get your tuition back.

Wear an authentic medieval knight costume:
Honestly, don’t even think about showing up without this on. Looking like Knightro’s serious older brother is just about the coolest thing you can do. And just imagine the amazing pick-up lines about your “great sword.”

Follow these tips and you’ll be tailgating like a college student in their 5th year: dead inside but still always down to party. Stay safe and save the really effed up nights for when you’re not partying alongside families and professors.

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