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‘UCF Was My Safety School,’ Says UCF Freshman Who Must Not Want Any Friends During His Time Here

UCF freshman Dennis Brown has become notorious on campus for obviously not wanting any friends during his time here because he keeps saying that UCF was his “safety school.” 

“We get it: UCF’s status as top 5 party schools in our cozy state and being weirdly good at football for one semester are really the only thing we have to offer,” said Julie Smith, a junior at UCF. “But now, I guess we’re also a large population of wah-wah crybabies that complain about going to their safety school on the regular. Thanks, Dennis.”

Brown, a South Florida native and also the King of Complaining, has become the only person who the entire school can collectively not stand because has been seen saying in class icebreakers that he “wasn’t even really planning on coming to UCF.” 

“Whether it’s slydigs at whatever Ivy League he got denied from, or shitting all over anything UCF does, Dennis does it all! Our modern day Superman, really,” said Brown’s roommate, Nathan Cook. “The only rule on our roommate agreement was to never utter the words safety school in the apartment, but somehow he goes against his word — even in his sleep!”

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Even during that hellish first week for freshmen, where friendships are forced upon students, did not satiate Brown’s need to feel superior to everyone else.

“Dennis Brown is the worst possible new student, and it is quite possible for him to remain friendless throughout his college career,” said Trudy Smith, his latest assigned counselor.

Reports have been heard that Brown has gone through at least six of these counselors after boring them with facts about all of the schools that rejected him after his extensive application. With a campus population of tens of thousands of students, it is almost impossible to run into another Dennis Brown.

Or is it?

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