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West Loop Hamburger U Expected to be Ranked Among Nation’s Worst in Ice Cream Machine Maintenance

West Loop — Chicago’s newest city campus opened this week with the unveiling of McDonald’s new Hamburger University. The West Loop location rifled through an overwhelming amount of applicants, and is welcoming its newest freshmen this fall.

Among similar programs, Hamburger U isn’t stacking up as well as McDonald’s hoped it would. Forbes ranked the West Loop location on the bottom half of universities with Ice Cream Machine Maintenance programs.

“Other campuses of Hamburger U haven’t proved anything of themselves in their Ice Cream Machine Repair schools, and we don’t expect McDonald’s newest branch of their college to do any better,” said head ice cream scholar Mitch Morgan. “Once I walk into a Chicago McDonald’s and successfully get an M&M McFlurry, I’ll consider them a contender in the field. Until then, their rank will continue to reflect their lackluster ice cream accessibility.”

Despite industry leaders expecting a flop in one of the campus’s leading programs, applicants are still coming in at an increasing rate.

“The people of Chicago want to be among some city’s elite, and a degree from Hamburger U practically guarantees that,” said McDonald’s head of admissions Mike Pickles. “All this garbage from these magazines saying our ICMM programs are going to be in the bottom percentile is all wish-wash. Who even is Forbes? I’ve never heard of this guy.”

In the process of ranking schools, Forbes does extensive research as precautionary measures to not sabotage a school’s flow of applicants and well-being. While McDonald’s executives called that the rankings were all an elaborate plan to ruin Hamburger U, the magazine refuses to entertain the idea.

Forbes officials assure the public that it, “honestly doesn’t even care about this dumb, fake cheeseburger school.”

To which McDonald’s replied, “Uh, it’s hamburger. Cheese is always an option though. “

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