TigerPaw Productions, Clemson’s entertainment committee, royally screwed up this semester. First, they make a huge deal about announcing the spring semester’s show. Next, we find out the “big act” booked to perform in Death Valley was Jason “who?” Derulo. And then the concert got cancelled for unknown reasons (probably because Derulo realized no one’s listened to his music since 2013). The Black Sheep has surveyed students across campus, and we’ve come up with five acts that would have been better than this mess:
5.) Phoebe Buffay:
Pheebs from Friends may not have had the best voice, but at least her lyrics were interesting. Jason Derulo sings mostly about sex, butts, and dancing, where Phoebe has a variety of songs including “Smelly Cat,” “Ode to a Pubic Hair,” and “Sticky Shoes.” A single hour at a Derulo concert would’ve already been repetitive, but Phoebe Buffay can always keep you guessing!
4.) Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian:
Okay, so Paris and Kim K. aren’t real pop stars, but they have technically released pop songs thanks to boredom and millions of dollars to blow. Seeing this train wreck duo live would be a performance you’d likely remember the rest of your life. Plus they kind of hate each other, so a catfight breaking out on stage would be a distinct possibility. There’s a reason reality television has stuck around so long.
3.) The Omelet Man at Schilletter:
What better celebrity to perform in Death Valley than a local one? The singing Omelet Man in Schiletter dining hall is an obvious choice. He’s well known across campus, he’s entertaining to watch, and tbh he’s not that bad. His authenticity and lack of auto tune would have been a breath of fresh air compared to the mechanized vocals of a has-been pop star.
2.) The Opera Singer Girl:
She may have graduated already, but that wouldn’t stop this chick from belting it like there’s no tomorrow. If you didn’t get a chance to hear her sing sweet tunes whilst walking across campus then you sorely missed out. Jason Derulo may have fire in his feet, but featuring Clemson’s own Opera Singer Girl would have been a better choice for the entertainment factor alone.
1.) Your Roommate (the Shower Singer):
We all have that one roommate that sings in the shower no matter what, hairbrush-microphone at the ready. Maybe they have a few go-to songs like Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen or Hello by Adele. Your shower-singing roommate’s probably not even that good, but Jason Derulo kinda sucks these days, so anything would’ve been better than him, right?