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5 Basic Life Classes That Should be Required at Clemson

Clemson’s academics are fantastic. They help educate people about what things will be like in their field of interest, and how human biology is definitely useful when you’re a business major. But you know what Clemson doesn’t teach? Life. Here are some of the most important, mind-blowing aspects of life that we think need to be taught to the public.

5.) TGTNG 1020 Not Too Drunk To Pay Attention
Clemson students sure do know how to tailgate, but we’ve heard that USC thinks they do it better. Since Clemson lives for the drama, they should have a class dedicated to tailgating. And this class shouldn’t even be considered a leisure skill. It should be required for every freshman the way CU 1000 is. The penalty for not registering for a tailgating class? You’d never get to attend a single football game. And even if, right now, you claim you never want to anyway, think again. Something in these hills will make you want to, and that thing is Dabo Swinney and his charm.

4.) ADTING 3010 Acting Your Age in Tigertown:
A majority of us came to Clemson freshly out of the wombs of the houses we grew up in. Our parents probably made our doctor/dentist appointments for us and constantly told us to clean our rooms. They may have spent so much time trying to savor your childhood that they forgot to teach you literally anything about living life on your own. That’s where Adulting 3010 comes in! It’s a class specifically for learning how to do things like cooking, washing all of your solid orange clothes, doing taxes, paying bills, communicating your emotions about Eduroam, etc. Because why learn to do that stuff on your own when you could pay a shit ton of money for someone to teach it to you

3. HVBDING 4000 Library Bridge:
Too many hoverboarding wipeouts have been captured in 6-second videos on Vine, and even though Vine is dead, incorrect use of a hoverboard is still prevalent among college students. Especially with all the renovations being done on Library Bridge, there’s even less space to show off the fact that you can walk to class without actually walking. It’s like when roadwork is being done on a four lane highway and it becomes a two lane road — you can’t show all the other drivers how awesome you look revving the engine of your lifted truck with green headlights while you switch lanes, because there aren’t any to switch to.

2.) CHEER 1010 Cadence Count:
Clemson is so great that people from all over the country want to attend school here. However, those people question their choices when they realize they fuck up the Cadence Count every time. That’s what this class, taught MWF at 8 a.m. is for! It would be taught in the Brooks Center and count for your non-lit requirement. You’d simply be taught the rhythm of the Cadence Count and how to not scream the letter “N” before waving your hand around like a lasso. This class wouldn’t necessarily be required, but you most likely will be blamed for a loss if you finish early one more time, Johnald.

1.) INSTGM 2010 Act Like You’ve Been Here Before:
Instagram is a great way to let people think your life is better than it actually is. But people get tired of seeing the same exact captions on everybody’s photos. Captions like “Formal SZN” and “Tigers on top!” are soooo 1889 Clemson. This class will simply teach you the best poses, angles, lighting, filters, and captions to use in order to get more likes than your ex who posted that photo right after you broke up that says, “I feel so good after losing 150 pounds!” You can write things like, “I put a photo with Jim Clements on my Tinder profile to get into this frat.” This won’t even count as a photography class, because while photography classes help you get jobs working with models and nature, an Instagram class will help you get Fit Tea brand deals. 

How could a person possibly do well in their occupation if they end up not being able to do it at all due to a hoverboard injury? How could somebody complain about high taxes if they don’t know how to pay them anyway? HOW COULD ANYONE SURVIVE WITHOUT A COMMENT ON THEIR INSTAGRAM PHOTO THAT SAYS “CAPTION GOALS?” Don’t worry. We might just have some tricks up our sleeves.

Need something to listen to on your way to class? Try out our podcast! iTunes bois click here.

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