Although parking and public intoxication tickets plague Clemson students, football tickets provide them with solace and comfort. Lately, however, this joy has been threatened by the new ticket system which they seem to update by blindly throwing darts at a series of half-baked solutions because fuck students, right? To solve the problem, The Black Sheep has come up with five ways to distribute Clemson student tickets in a way that doesn’t have kids in the class of groups running algorithms in order to make ticket buying and selling work.
5.) Ticket Stub Hunt:
Watching Clemson football is exciting, so obtaining tickets should be also. To recapture the thrill of the Easter egg hunt from our toddler years, we’ll have a ticket stub hunt for our college years! Instead of the Easter Bunny, we’ll have the Ticket Tiger, who hides stubs and mini bottles in places like the bookshelves in Cooper or disc drives in Brackett. So get those Easter baskets down from the attic and fill ’em with Bowman Field grass!
4.) Gladiator Fights:
Who wants to print wussy pieces of paper when we could watch gladiator fights? With mopeds for chariots and backpacks filled with a shitload of textbooks for weapons, students would duel to the (near) death in Death Valley. Emperor Clements would oversee the games from the press box. Screaming fans would pull for Maximus the Marketing major or Sparticus the Soils and Sustainable Crops System Super Senior. Goblets full of upper-deck tickets (and mini bottles!) would be the consolation prize.
3.) Treasure Hunt:
The box office is boring, but a treasure hunt is ARRResome! Each class would be assigned maps with different routes and clues. Examples of clues are “Look in that Sirrine bathroom stall with the door that doesn’t close,” or “Stick your hand in the toilet.” At the end of the hunt, the students will dig up a treasure chest full of tickets and mini-bottles, which they’ll pass out to the rest of the student body as they see fit. No longer will students have to ARRRgue about the merits of camping out.
2.) Parking Tickets:
Besides pedestrians, the parking ticket is the bane of the commuter student’s existence. To quell student rage, a football ticket could be issued with random parking tickets. The more citations a student receives, the greater the chance to receive a ticket (and a mini-bottle). Students would no longer despise parking tickets but instead compete for them. Think how great it would feel to see a ticket for a seat on the 50-yard line next to a $10 parking ticket. The parking enforcers will be our new best friends!
One student tribute from each class will be chosen via lottery to compete for control of all football tickets. Tillman Auditorium could host the interviews, while Student Affairs could monitor the tributes from CCIT headquarters. After training in Fike, tributes will display their best skills for parents in order to secure care packages sent by little orange parachutes. Armed with bow, arrows, and student ID, the four student tributes will live and fight in the Issaquena Forest until one emerges the winner of The Tiger Games. If two fall in love and can’t live without each other, they can just drink a dozen mini-bottles together.
The debate shouldn’t be about box offices, wait times, camping, or technical difficulties. It should be about where to hide stubs or treasure chests or whether the gladiators should fight in football pads or the nude. Whatever the system, hang in there, Freshmen, and may the mini-bottles be ever in your flavor.