Final exams are over. The final semester completed. As the final buzzed student walks across stage for an overpriced certificate, the horror sinks in: college has ended. Now what? Awkward graduation photos, of course! But this awkwardness can be contained if the following five worst places to take graduation pics at Clemson are avoided.
5.) Pita Pit:
Now that the caps have been tossed, the next logical step in life is Pita Pit for some grub before the pre-gaming. After pitas are shoved down and naïve life advice is given, someone stupidly suggests a photo. Make your first important post-graduate decision and refuse. The sign bears the restaurant’s name, which unfortunately contains the word ‘pit.’ There will be many pits in life — this photograph doesn’t have to be one of them.
After eating at Pita Pit, you remember that you were supposed to pick up your girlfriend from the Amtrak station…three hours ago. She’s furious that you forgot, and you think a funny photo will mitigate the situation. Think again. First, Amtrak is Am-whack, and the station is the ghost town of last resort transportation in Clemson. See the tumbleweeds?! Second, the temptation to jump in front of a train is too great after realizing the best years of your life have chugged by. Don’t let your next stop be Patrick B. Harris.
3.) Waste water treatment plant:
You patch things up with your girlfriend by threatening to lie across the train tracks to prove your remorse. Because you left her stranded all afternoon and played the suicide card, the spot for the pic you take together should be gorgeous. Here’s a tip: the Waste Water Treatment Plant isn’t gorgeous. The shit sloshing around in the background will only remind you of how shitty a student you were. Also, the plant is dangerous because it’s perfect for a mob hit. The job of murder should be the merciless anguish of adult life, not a gangster (or gangsta).
2.) Off the Vine:
Next is the pre-gaming that you prepared for earlier at Pita Pit. Make your parents pull up to Off the Vine and tell them it’s a place for getting grapes in little brown bags. Pick out a favorite spirit, pick four more, and pay. Then resist the urge to take a photo in front of a wall of Fireball. Save the sleaziness for tonight’s drunken celebration and avoid knocking over hundreds of dollars of alcohol with a fist-pump or sorority squat.
1.) A damn bench downtown:
You’ve avoided a Pit pic, suicide, shit, and broken glass. Don’t blow it by sadly sitting down on a bench when it dawns on you that you’re friendless and the only person in your photographs. So you formed no intimate relationships in six years of college. That doesn’t mean eating fried pickles in downtown while holding an empty cup for the socially competent to fill with loose change. Instead, make a change by offering the pickles to strangers in hopes of forming friendships.
Photographs capture moments for us right as they evaporate into the ether of time. Or some shit like that. Look, just be smart about the location of your graduation photos. Stick to the staples: Death Valley, Tillman, and the parking lot where you threw up on your 21st birthday. Or just tell photography to go screw itself and try making some friends on College Ave. by passing out fried pickles to strangers.
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