With less than a week ’til the much-anticipated rivalry game, Clemson fans are ready to taste some Gamecock blood. However, in light of their recent slaughtering by Citadel, the Cocky boys seem in need of some assistance—and fortunately, The Black Sheep has compiled a list of coaches to whip them into shape before the Tigers do.
6.) Hump Day Camel:
Who else can get the Cocks over their hump? With this bold, inspiring camel cheering from the sidelines, the players will be able to rest assured that although their gameplay might suck, at least a long night of sorrow-induced binge drinking awaits them.
5.) Walter White:
Who better to head a doomed and disorganized team than Walter White? As an added bonus, the Gamecocks would also experience record high GPAs, and possibly get kicked out of the NCAA for doping. At least it would be a quick end.
4.) Richard Simmons:
A little excitement in their workouts is exactly what the Gamecocks need, and who better than 80s aerobic instructor extraordinaire Richard Simmons? With a lifetime of getting minivan moms feelin’ fit ‘n’fabulous, Simmons is the man for the job.
3.) Ned Flanders:
As the only member of this list with actual coaching experience, Ned is an ideal candidate for USC’s next coach. Under his leadership, the Gamecocks would practice hard to keep away from temptations like girls and drinking, and come to understand that their losses are pre-diddly-determined.
2.) Dudley Dursley:
As the Junior Heavyweight Inter-School Boxing Championship of the Southeast, Dudley would be able to teach the Cocks a thing or two about tackling. Not only that, but with Dudley at the helm, their nutritional regime would be taken to whole new level, making for much more satisfying thuds when the Tigers take them down.
With USC’s most recent loss to the Citadel, it might take all the power of the Mother of Dragons herself to give Clemson a challenge this Saturday. Her dragons would make an epic halftime show, and fortunately she has lots of experience in commanding vast numbers of eunuchs.