The hour of finals is approaching, and the joys of being a student have become a distant blur, and you know what is at your doorstep: reviewing books, group study meetings, and drinking coffee until the walls begin to close in. The Black Sheep has traveled down the proverbial River Styx of finals plenty of times before, and we decided to take you through an exclusive tour through the 9 circles of Finals Week Hell, also known as Deshaunte’s Inferno.
1.) Limbo — Street Smart v Book Smart:
Those who reside in finals week limbo breeze through typical course work throughout the semester with As and Bs without studying. Although not a bad student, you didn’t accept the path of the course book. THE BOOK. You’ll pay for this by being utterly confused when you realize the entire final is based on the book. You thought you were so smart and savvy, but you’re so dumb at the same time. Welcome to Hell.
2.) Lust — Group Projects:
Despite never actually studying with or knowing the majority of the people in your class, you whore yourself out to them for the smartest in the class to group up on the final project, upon which your entire grade relies.
3.) Gluttony — TigerOne Dump:
The end is near and you have loads meal plan credit and guest passes left. During the last two weeks of the semester, you’ll beg friends to use their remaining passes. By the end of finals, they are seen reluctantly entering the dining halls, with a faint tint of green on their face.
4.) Greed — Emailing for Notes:
Not being accepted by the group study society, nor being studious enough to take your own notes, you turn to blindly emailing others in class. “Hey can anyone send notes,” you say, but everyone sees right through you, you lazy bastard.
5.) Wrath — Starbucks Line:
Anger fills the air in the endless line of campus Starbucks. You have a “treat yo self!” outlook because you just finished an exam. Then you wait an eternity in line, and anger builds and builds until you rudely neglect to say “Thanks!” to the Starbucks cashier. Such wrath!
6.) Heresy — F*** It:
You’ve given up on this class and are just looking for partial credit. Sure you could’ve done the homework, but if you can end with a C you can claim the class pass/fail. F*ck finals, f*ck grades, f*ck the system, you’ll be a cool janitor when you grow up, who cares. Jobs are dumb.
7.) Violence — Talking At People About Your Workload:
You’ve vigorously studied past the point of any rational being and talk about it publicly, for anyone willing to lend an ear. Despite the rings under your eyes, you somehow have the energy to talk over people about how many finals and papers and projects you have on “just on Thursday!”
8.) Fraud — Cheaters:
This special place is for those of you who got through the semester by riding the backs of other students and cheating. But knowing you couldn’t cheat on the final, you now find yourself in a state of internal torment, tearing your face apart wondering if you should go for it and do the legwork studying? Or chance it and wear giant sombrero with all the equations written on it.
9.) Despair — Grades:
The pain of studying five months of material in six hours then binge drinking yourself through the holidays has left you in an uneven state. Then Clemson posts grades and iRoar crashes and you’re left in despair. Not knowing your fate, drunk and alone in your parents basement.
Finals week is hell, but luckily we all go through it together, right guys~!?~
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