At the elite football programs with a playoff coming up, it’s not often to find a coach that remains humble or likable. Clemson University is lucky enough to have Dabo Swinney as our head coach, a man that, by all accounts seen on TV or in interviews, shows the utmost humility while maintaining an Average Joe persona. The Black Sheep was able to procure an interview with the legend himself.
TBS: Thanks for sitting down with us, Dabo. How are you doing today?
DS: I gotta tell ya, it’s fucking great to be a Clemson Tiger. Not that many people will tell you this, but it’s even greater to be THE Dabo Swinney, I’ll tell ya that. It takes a lot to be Dabo Swinney, and not everyone can live this lifestyle. But, boy is it fun.
TBS: Not often you hear such a candid response from you like that. Would you say this is the real Dabo Swinney, instead of your normal humble demeanor?
DS: Oh yeah, that shit’s all for looks. You know how ESPN works; they’ll throw themselves into a frenzy over Tebow’s white bread lame ass niceness and then vilify Johnny Football just ‘cause he rages now and then. I say the kid’s a champ, but what can you do. The media wants a nice guy, so I can give that to them. I figured I could be myself in this interview since no one’s gonna read this JV newspaper. Johnny if you’re reading this, let’s crush Athens together sometime.
TBS: Uh…ok. Anyways, the College Football rankings were just released again on Tuesday, with the Tigers ranked once again the undisputed #1 team in the country. Does this put more pressure on your team to steamroll North Carolina State?
DS: First of all, I think the #1 ranking is bullshit. Is that really the highest number we can be? There’s no question my team is the greatest to ever play the game, so you would think there would be a special designation for that. Can they make a “zero-th” ranking? I want a #0 next to our name next week. Anyway, there’s no pressure on us. We’re literally playing the tar heels. What the hell is a tar heel, anyways? If a tiger fought a tar heel in the wild, what advantage would the tar heel have, good arch support? Tigers are bloodthirsty. Just like me.
TBS: So you would say the $300+ price for ACC Championship tickets is warranted?
DS: We should be charging way more than that chump change to watch the Dabo Dynasty play. There should be a way to really prove you wanna see us play. I was thinking you could exchange some of your credit hours for a ticket. So yeah, you’re gonna have to retake a class in the spring, but I’d say it’s worth it to watch us curb stomp those nerds.
TBS: Yeah, that makes total sense. In your mind, is Deshaun Watson the shoe-in for the Heisman trophy?
DS: Have you seen that kid? He’s an absolute monster. Deshaun could get any bitch he wanted. All he needs to do is take his hoverboard for a lap around the Horseshoe and the ladies will come running like he’s a pumpkin spiced phone charger. Next question.
TBS: There’s been a lot of hype about this pizza poll party on Sunday. What can we expect?
DS: Only the greatest fucking pizza party America’s ever seen. We’re not gonna sell any peasant shit like Lil Caesars, only the finest deep dish meatlovers pizzas from Todaro and Peppino’s. Will they have to make pizza for 16 straight hours to the point of arthritis? Probably, but we’ll get to eat some dank pizza straight from downtown Clemson. Speaking of downtown, I’m gonna have to wrap this interview up. $5 liquor pitchers is goin’ on right now in Wingin It and this guy’s never been one to turn down turning up. Come on by if you wanna get waxed in a game of pool. Dabo out.