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Are You Suffering from Post National Championship Depression?

 

Post National Championship Depression (PNCD) is a real illness that affects thousands of students on Clemson’s campus and millions of fans across the nation. It doesn’t discriminate based on age, ethnicity, or gender; anyone can develop it, though football fans are at highest risk.

 

Symptoms are debilitating and include: general disinterest in everyday activities, insomnia and trouble sleeping, loss of appetite for wings and finger foods, and bouts of crying. In extreme cases heavy drinking and mindlessly binge watching HGTV may occur.

 

After Monday night’s championship game, Clemson Tigers versus Alabama Crimson Tide, there was a 128% increase in reported cases right here in Clemson. On Tuesday morning, university students meandered around campus aimlessly. The usual smiles and laughs exchanged between friends were absent. There seemed to be no hope that the student body would recover from the tragedy that had been the night before.

 

Clemson senior Langdon Castello had a particularly severe case of PNCD. “Our boys fought like champs the whole game, but that damn Derrick Henry screwed us on his last TD. I was devastated. There was just no hope, and no reason to go to lab on Tuesday.” Castello was not the only one feeling this way. Library bridge traffic and student parking hit an all time low Tuesday morning, suggesting class attendance was at a minimum. Parking services got a much-needed break from terrorizing commuter drivers because there simply weren’t enough cars around to ticket.

 

Pam, a parking services employee, had mixed feelings about it, “I just wasn’t sure what to do with myself when no one showed up to campus. I drove in my work buggy all the way out to Publix to see if I could give anyone a ticket there before I realized where I was. These kids need to perk up before I’m out of a job.” We agreed with Pam.

 

Thanks to a citywide initiative to perk up those with PNCD, many are already on the mend. Redfern Health Center has enacted a treatment program specifically for students who went to the game in Arizona and experienced PNCD pain first-hand. Fee-paying students begin by watching 2015 regular season game footage to elevate general mood, and medical staff re-evaluate after the initial dosage. Video from the 2015 Orange Bowl is used in extreme cases. For those interested in the program, bring your CFP championship game ticket and a valid form of identification to the Redfern lobby information desk.

 

There are other treatment options available for non-student PNCD victims; call your primary care doctor to discuss what’s best for your personal needs. Staff reporters at The Black Sheep believe that if everyone joins forces, we can beat this disease before the spring game in April.

 

One might even say Clemson is “ALL IN” with eradicating PNCD from the community.

 

Like what you’re reading? Go ahead and click the big “APPLY NOW” button and you too could be a part of The Black Sheep!

 

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