Gerald Brown, a Clemson freshman, loves his parents… or so he says. “Of course I love my parents,” said Brown. “I just don’t want to have to go visit them or talk to them.” Brown, of course, is referring to the Clemson fall break, the span of two days in which parents expect their children to return home, even if just to catch up on laundry.
Despite spending his first few weeks of college cripplingly homesick, Brown now finds himself with no desire to go home for fall break, citing that it would be so much more fun to stay in Clemson.
“Sure, I missed them for a few weeks,” said Brown, “but I’m an adult now that I’ve been in college for a while. I don’t even think about my parents anymore… except for when I need money.”
Brown concocted a plan to make his dream of staying in Clemson come true. “I figured if I called and Skyped them nonstop for a couple weeks leading up to break that it would be close enough to an actual trip home and I could stay here in my dorm.”
Over the past fortnight, Brown has placed nearly seventy-five calls to his parents in order to satisfy what he calls, “their incessant neediness.” Calling them has become so ingrained in his mind, in fact, that he has started calling them when drunk. “For a while, every time I got drunk, I would call Jenny Lang. She’s this girl I’ve been sleeping with the past couple months,” Brown told The Black Sheep, “but recently, I’ve just been placing late-night calls to my parents’ house.”
After consulting Brown’s friends, and Jenny Lang herself, we found that while it isn’t true that Brown has been sleeping with her, he was, in fact, calling her often.
We also spoke with Melissa Brown, Gerald’s mother. “Of course we appreciate him calling, has it been a little much? Yes, but it’s not like we can just ignore phone calls from our only son, can we?”
Yet, despite the onslaught of calls, Brown’s parents continued to insist that he return home for fall break, mistaking his calls as a homesick-driven cry for help. Fortunately for Brown, they eventually relented. “Yeah, my parents finally agreed to let me stay in Clemson,” said Brown, “but I think I’ll still go back. I know how much they miss me when I’m gone. Plus it turns out that Jenny and all my friends are leaving, so there won’t be anything to do here anyway.”
While Gerald seems content with his decision to return home for a few days, not everyone in the Brown household mirrors his feelings.
“We finally get him to leave the house to go to college and he’s already coming back?” said Dominic Brown, Gerald’s father. “It’s only been two and a half months. The best two and a half months since that little shit was born. It’s bad enough he calls every night because he has no friends. It’s like, come on, I’m trying to have sex with your mother over here. Stop calling.”