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Where You Go On Valentine’s Day in Clemson, And What it Says About Your Crippling Loneliness

 

In the coming weeks, loving Tigers everywhere will head downtown to rub their togetherness in everyone else’s face. If you’re like our writing staff and will spend the Hallmark Holiday eating your feelings alone in the corners of various Clemson eateries, then there’s a good chance you’ll see lots of happy couples there too. Don’t fret, their relationship is built on lies and personality flaws, here’s some insight into what your choice in V-Day date says about you.

Cookout:
Cheap. This is great for a first date, but if you’re doing this for Valentine’s Day it could be the beginning of the end for your relationship. If you wanna make your girl happy you gotta spend some money; the best gift for girls is one where they know it hurts your wallet a bit. If this is you, you are not doing it right, even if you’re there to get their BBQ sauce for sexy times.

Moe’s/Chipotle:
The fun couple. By getting V-Day dinner somewhere that will inevitable make you both fart, you show that don’t take yourselves too seriously, but still care about each other a lot. You don’t have a lot of money to spend but don’t care about that. You and your S/O either annoy the hell out of everyone, or make them say “that should be me” every time they see you.

Brioso’s:
Basic couple. Brioso’s is a great restaurant it gives the feel of a fancy restaurant, and you don’t actually spend that much money. Plus, gelato is always a plus. If you go here, your relationship is like getting B on an exam. You’re not too exciting not too boring. You’re probably upperclassmen cuffing up before heading into the real world, where you’ll get married, move to the ‘burbs, and name your first kid Dabo.

LongHorn Steakhouse:
Daddy’s money!!!! You the ~fancy couple~ who just got out of your weekly Biz Frat or Pre-Law meeting. Ladies your guy obviously cares about you if he wants to spend this much money. Unless y’all have only been together for a week. Then he’s a Patrick Bateman-level psychopath and you should run.

Tiger Town Tavern:
Did we say the fun couple went to Chipotle? Sorry, that was wrong. The REAL fun couple goes to TTT’s to just get hammed and have a good time. You realize Valentine’s Day is a sham, but still a sham that gives you a reason to get real drunk with the girl/guy you like. You do you TTT Valentine’s Day couple, the world needs more good hearted drunks like you.

Wendy’s:
Your relationship died when you dropped out of Clemson twenty years ago. That’s right, if you’re Valentines Day-ing at Wendy’s you’re most likely a sad, dead-in-the-eyes local who never graduated. But hey! That sriracha mayo is pretty good huh? Yeah? See, life is still worth living.

So whether you end up at TTT’s or Brioso’s this week, know that Valentine’s Day is a made up holiday and all relationships end. Love is dead, unless it’s love for Clemson football. In that case, we’re #ALLIN.

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast! 

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