CLEMSON – Reports coming from a secret Clemson University meeting held beneath Death Valley concerned how to handle the disturbing lack of students on The Hill during Clemson football games. What used to be a raucous staple of the Clemson experience has seemingly come to a screeching halt, but university officials are steadfast in admitting the new lottery system of student ticketing has anything to do with it.
“The lottery system is fine,” a Clemson official was reported saying during the meeting. “All students need to do is have a valid ID, be enrolled at the university, prove that they are with an official piece of mail that has been signed by Dabo himself, pass a driver’s test and Clemson Football history test as well as a physical to prove they are up to the challenges of standing in heat for more than two hours.
“And if they can’t go to the game for some reason,” he continued, sweating, “they just have to re-submit the ticket to the ticketing website 24 hours the 36 hour deadline with a timestamp proving they have done as much, while waiting in a virtual line of other ticket holders along with written permission from their doctor (or legal guardian if below the age of 21) proving their absence from the game. It’s not that hard. And if they complain more, fine, we’ll make them PAY! How about that!”
Later in the meeting, the football execs came to the conclusion that, rather than just let tickets go first-come first-serve go for free to the students who actually really want to attend the games like the system of yesteryear, they’d rather shore up funds for IPTAY and the athletic department by populating the Hill with Clemson-clad mannequins.
“You know what doesn’t get drunk and isn’t a lawsuit waiting to happen? A dead-eyed mannequin,” the Clemson official concluded. “We’ll keep the alumni happy and thinking we’re still properly serving the student body. A happy alumni is a donating alumni amiright?” he laughed. “But seriously, those old bastards won’t be able to tell. Fuck it.”
Look to The Hill during Clemson’s next home game against Georgia Tech to be full of dead-eyed, perfectly behaved and Clemson-clad mannequins. Go Tigers!