Football season is sooooo close and we’re all still totally stoked from winning the Natty. We have some SEC meanies saying that our fans are blind and stupid to compare Dabo Swinney to Nick Saban and say we’re nothing without Deshaun because like he’s why were so popular but whatever. Dabo is the real G.O.A.T. here. Some haterz may tweet, “Clemson isn’t going to be shit without Baeshaun Watson,” or “With the absence of #4, Clemson will lose to USC this year!” but, we can all agree that those haterz can like go to Columbia and stay there. It’s like totally inconsiderate to think we need DeShaun to be something in the college football space, and like, here’s why:
Dabo’s been bae the whole time:
Dabo Swinney is like one of the greatest coaches of all time. He’s been the nice guy father figure there for us this whole time and we don’t need Deshaun Watson’s rock solid abs and glistening throwing arm. He’s fine! We’re all fine! We’re happy for him! We don’t need him! There are plenty of other proverbial sweaty touchdown-throwing fish in the sea to replace Deshaun’s determined and hard-working spirit and again, those abs. Oh God, those abs. No. NO!
Hot new facilities who don’t need no man:
From knowing exactly what to say when it comes to recruiting new people to what toys to show off at their new facility, Dabo and the rest of the football staff have it all figured out. No doubt did the Tiger’s staff go ~All In~ when developing this new facility. We have the nicest pool, beside a basketball court and wiffle ball field, and what’s Deshaun got in the pros? Whatever. It’s fine. IT’S FINE. Deshaun wishes he could have had more time with these sweet new amenities given to the team — oh God we miss Deshaun — but our team will be more prepared than ever will all these new perks! TAKE THAT.
Returning players who are better anyway:
Have we even mentioned the many players that are returning to the team next season? Not to blow his ego or anything, but Hunter Renfrow, more like Hunter “win throw,” is coming back and in better shape than ever. He could easily step up and be a better leader than Deshaun. We can’t wait to post instas with our returning big boys, as they defend our end zone ;). Surely that won’t make Deshaun miss us and want to come back. With players like Christian Wilkins and Kendall Joseph to get the crowd hyped and inspired, who needs Deshaun? Not Clemson, that’s who.
We’re getting all the attention now:
Rumors that ESPN GameDay will be visiting Clemson at least a couple times are flying and we cannot wait! No doubt they’ll bring up our win against the like rudest school of them all, besides USC. They’ll mention the loss of #4 to the Texans and we’ll reply that WE’RE DOING FINE WITHOUT HIM THANKS!!!!! Just like we’ve said time and time again. Clemson is going to succeed without his beautifully toned ass. Will that one chubby guy who always dances in the mud return? Will Lee Corso make us suffer through his mascot bit again? These are the questions we’re more concerned with, rather than how will Clemson do without Deshaun. Clemson survived when clipboard Jesus, aka Charlie Whitehurst left and we survived when Tajh Boyd left, we’ll do it again.
This fall will be the best of them all, as long as someone steps up and fills in the shoes of those before them. We need plenty of muscular, respectable, sexy young men to take the place of those who have already blessed this team with their greatness. We’re not salty at all that they had to move on and make millions of dollars. Leaving the rest of us in this small town of Clemson with millions of dollars in debt from students loans. We’re very proud of their achievements and hope that they spread the love!
Hey! Listen to our podcast!