Clemson Cult University has many amazing opportunities for you to find your perfect cult on campus. As you’re strolling along TigerProwl, lost and most decidedly confused, you’ll see a group of enthusiastic recruiters waiting for you to join their brigade. Before you get in too deep and drink the Kool-Aid of the first one that looks like your forever home, here are some true insights to a couple of the ones Clemson University boasts about having. (Secretly, of course. They don’t want the Feds to shut them down!)
They are just so cute! Once you’ve been brainwashed into thinking you need to look, act, speak, and think a certain way, you’ll see that most of them are just like you thought. Batshit cray cray. At its core, you’ll see (or probably not, because you’ve already been brainwashed) that everything comes down to money. How much are you willing to spend? Does daddy own an oil company? They love to sue people who speak poorly about their family, and will send the aliens after you if you try to escape.
The Unification Church:
Watch out FCA! This is one of the hottest up-and-coming cults on campus. Even their nicknames are absolutely adorable: The Moonies! How can you possibly resist? Once you become part of their wittle clan that follows Sun Myung Moon with a fervent passion that the Cavaliers could really use right now, you’ll be married off. M.R.S. degree, here we come! You might have to take a trip to Korea, since it is the chosen realm, but you all get to dress alike and be super adorbs- even if you are banned from Germany.
The Ku Klux Klan:
Ever wonder where this amazingly pristine organization began? Right here under the orange and purple sunsets, y’all! This is the top priority cult on campus. Once you’re in, you’ll be hated by every other organization and person on campus, but loved by the police, politicians like Donald Trump, and whatever other unfortunate miscreants are dwelling under their rocks in Clemson. If you join this organization, you’ll be joining one of the largest hate-groups on campus, but be warned! They are super picky about who they let in. Their form of hazing is checking Ancestry.com and doing a full-blown DNA report to see just how pristine your genetics really are. If you don’t get in, however, don’t fret and talk shit about them. You can always cut holes out of a sheet and look like an idiot on your own time.
The Manson Family:
This organization is one of the newest to come to Clemson. Its organization, also called “Family,” is completely Agnostic — so there’s no religious affiliation needed. Wooh! Unfortunately, if you do join you will be trained for battle because we are set to have a race war known as Helter Skelter, any day now. We wouldn’t recommend joining this cult unless you’re really serious about learning its history by listening to the Beatles, backwards, 25/8.
There will be so many opportunities for you to get involved here at Clemson, and this just kisses the surface! Clemson can’t wait to see you at TigerProwl! Bring all your cash, hopes, dreams, and individual thought with you because that’s your dues!