Everyone has a rival school. Auburn vs. Alabama. Harvard vs. Yale. Hogwarts vs. Monsters University. Clemson vs. USC. It’s all in good fun, of course, besides the middle aged dads who have pissing contests on Facebook dot com over the academic and athletic performance of their alma maters. What else is all in good fun? This list of things you can do to get a degree at the University of South Carolina. Because you can’t be a Clemson student without hating SC, even if you don’t like sports.
6.) Shotgun one (1) beer:
Why study when you could just poke a hole in some metal and chug the bread juice out of it? At USC, if you shotgun a single beer at any point, you’ve already graduated. It commemorates your entrance and your exit from the school. And you didn’t have to steal a single pencil from anyone, which would usually be the case, since you spent all your money on that one beer. Priorities!
5.) Show up to class twice:
Going to class on a regular basis can be pretty tiring and will ruin the college experience you expected to have when you watched An Extremely Goofy Movie. Doing the bare minimum will guarantee you that piece of paper that says, “I did what was required. Please give me money.” That’s pretty much what all of us are thinking when we get out of college anyway, right? You don’t even need to take any notes. Just play Doodle Jump until you hear the professor make some terrible joke about having a safe weekend.
4.) Go back home 3 weekends in a row:
Do you really attend the University of South Carolina if you don’t drive home every single Friday that isn’t a school break? People who took planes don’t count because it’s pretty obvious you came to the wrong USC by accident. But if you were born and raised in South Carolina, our question is this: how many jobs do you have to be able to pay for that much gas? How much money are you currently earning from that job you just got following graduation due to meeting your requirement of skipping your Friday class to see your dog?
3.) Talk about the International Business program even if that isn’t your major:
We’ve all seen the billboards. We get it. You guys are good at doing business internationally. And we know that you know that, because even if you’re something like a nursing major, you’re bound to tell us all about the international business program and which friends you have that are in it, to make yourself seem cooler by association. And to that, we say, congratulations on your diploma! Now go do business internationally and away from here.
2.) Do LSD at Five Points once:
One thing USC has that Clemson doesn’t is Five Points. If you’re friends with any USC students on Snapchat, you’re familiar with the blurry videos with the flash on that give everyone way too much insight into how much sweat you produce and what you look like when you vomit? Well, here’s any easy way to graduate: go on a trip to Columbia, so you can go on a trip… to your future.
1.) Make an Instagram caption with a pun about cocks:
Ah, yes. The classic joke that makes it seem as if your school mascot is a big ol’ wiener. The spirited paraphernalia that say, “Hi. My school is represented by a phallus. No homo lol.” But you’re not truly a student until you’ve made a dick joke on your public Instagram feed for all of your bros and sisters and BFFLs and your one living grandmother to see. And at that point, you’ve officially ended your time at the university. Your diploma will probably say something like, “You’ve sucked for this long. Now you’ve finished. Bet that’s hard to swallow. Thanks for coming.”
This list is obviously not meant to be taken seriously, but if you want to try doing any of these things in order to reach your goal, that’d sure be a sight to see. You’ll either graduate or be expelled, but you’re leaving the school either way. Follow your dreams!
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