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Collective Clemson Student Body Depressed to Learn Free Tuition via CATBus Crash is a Myth

CLEMSON – Yet another Clemson Catbus has crashed, the second in a month, this time hitting a student. And though (thank God) the student is ok, her wallet is not. Clemson University — the university that boasted a 2016-2017 annual budget of $1,090,752,000 – crushed everyone’s dreams in not granting the victim of being smashed by a campus bus free tuition. And turns out, this isn’t the first time this has happened, either. 

“You know when your parents tell you Santa isn’t real,” senior James Norden, whimpered. “It’s like that, only worse. For some reason I always thought no matter how hard it gets, James, you can always throw yourself in front of a bus. Well, now I know I’ve been living a fucking lie this whole time.” 

Questions as to why the university is not granting free tuition have been raised by several Clemson students, who assert it’s probably the least they could do to for a poor girl who might have life-altering injuries from getting leveled by a Catbus. Maybe it’s so people like James don’t go throwing themselves in front of busses, but at the same time, it’s like, come on. Dabo earns $54 million a year (and earns every gd penny) and tuition floats around $40k. That’s .074% of his salary. 

“It’s just like, ugh,” said Taylor Costa. “When the first bus crashed I had wished it was me. Free tuition? Not bad. But now? To have to like, be hit by a fucking bus and it not be your fault, and then not get anything from it? Sounds pretty shady to me. Pret-tay, pret-tay shady, if you ask me.

“Also, what in the hell is happening with these Catbuses? Are they like, possessed or something?” 

So while it might be easy to fall into depths of depression now that Clemson has doused the myths that you can get free tuition by getting hit by a bus, at least we have Clemson football right guys? K-Boogie? Let’s just place all our happy eggs into the Clemson Football basket, and everything will be fine. 

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