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How to Trick People into Thinking You Have a Date on Valentine’s Day

Okay, so your grades might not be the best and the student debt might be getting you down, but don’t let that distract you from what’s truly important in life: commercial holidays. Valentine’s Day is your big chance to really convince all your friends that you do have a boyfriend in Venezuela and he is that underwear model on the Internet. It’d be a crime to let all that hard work—all the hours on Photoshop, writing yourself love letters, sending yourself exotic scented incense and flowers—go to waste just because of the minor problem of your single reality.

To really convince your friends, you will need an exotic bouquet of chocolate, a male prostitute and reservations to a fancy restaurant. And by “fancy,” we’re talking Blue Heron level—would you take the Venezuelan boyfriend of your fantasies to Monterrey’s? No way. That’s for ordinary people, like your roommates, with boring real-life boyfriends.

The male prostitute might pose a bit more difficulty, but luckily with your shit work schedule, you’ve got lots of free time. So go ahead and scout around, starting with the droves of drunkards that invade downtown every Valentine’s Day. If you don’t have much luck there, there’s always the Hooters over in Anderson—hey, desperate times. 

All that’s left to do now is to craft yourself an amazing, Pinterest-inspired chocolate bouquet. Really go for it, with adorable chocolate penguin faces and cute flying pig cupids with heart-tipped arrows. Then drop it off at the post office to be mailed back to you. Just make sure that your friends are around when the door opens and your masterpiece enters the room.

Finally, be sure to take a luxurious taxi (a real taxi, not just Tiger Transit) to the Blue Heron and pass Monterrey’s on your way, where you can see all your sad, pathetic friends eating taco chips on Valentine’s Day with their ordinary boyfriends. Enjoy your fancy dinner with your DIY male prostitute and rest assured that you are now the coolest kid on the holiday scammers’ block.

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast! 

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