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A Few Necessary Addendums to Clemson’s New Building History Signs

The first very exciting thing to happen on this campus, is the university installing new signs in front of 11 buildings to show the “complete” history of the school. Whether this is an apt response to all the racist statues and history that looms over  campus and Tillman Hall not being renamed is one thing that could be argued, but right now we’re concerned that these signs won’t do justice to students who don’t inevitably know the buildings. The history is important, but so is knowing the women’s bathrooms are few and far between in Daniel. Sure they might already be engraved and set up, but we have some added addendums to what they should say. So if anyone out there can write these on paper and tape them under the signs, that’d be great, thanks. 

Daniel Hall:
Completed in 1968, this building became home to most gen ed courses whose classes were often skipped after students read the attendance policy. It is named “Stairway to Heaven” because you’ll either die after walking up all flights of stairs to the top floor, or trampled while trying. And ladies, if you like long walks down corridors when your bladder is already full, this place is for you, because there are only women’s restrooms on every other floor. So if you’re a female freshman taking a required communications/public speaking class, you’ll have fun here.

Brackett Hall:
As you can see by the wall décor, Brackett Hall is where animals come to die. Completed in 1951, this building is home to classes that force you to learn about why you have depression, and courses that explain why rocks are better than you. Nipple pasties are a necessity here because if the air conditioning isn’t blasting in the dead of winter, then everyone should probably be evacuated from the building because something is seriously wrong.

Hardin Hall:
Women’s studies and chemistry go great together, which is why Hardin Hall, built in 1890, houses both. It’s a well known statistic that students who get their minds blown after learning exactly why gender is nothing, typically long to discuss valence electrons as opposed to laying face down on concrete trying to remember the meditation routine they learned freshman year when they needed a bullshit credit hour.

Tillman Hall:
Also known as the most controversial building on campus, Tillman Hall, called Old Main by many, was dedicated in 1891 and was originally known as the Agriculture Building. Found in multiple Snapchat filters, it lets future Clemson students know that Clemson’s administration honors white supremacists, but like, that aesthetic tho?

Edwards Hall:
Completed in 1977, Edwards Hall is home to some of the most exhausted students on campus. You recognize this building because it’s the one that girls in white outfits walk into when it isn’t Rush Week. If you ask them, they want to be wearing black scrubs to commemorate the loss of their sleep. But don’t make fun of them. One day, they might be the ones helping relieve your “excruciating” constipation. Keep your friends close, but your enemas closer.

These are a bit more accurate, right? After all, Clemson University has a racist history, so it’s probably safer to show future Tigers that you know that instead of listing off the few good attributes of a bunch of white dudes who probably thought they were the superior race and women shouldn’t wear pants.


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