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Quick Replies to Inevitable Questions You’ll Get From Touring Prospective Clemson Parents

The magical time for high schoolers to take a tour of our beautiful campus is upon us, because we all know Library Bridge needs more traffic on it. With students come parents, and unlike the high schoolers, parents love physically asking people questions (puke) instead of just googling stuff. Thus, Clemson students must always be ready for the questions of these visiting parents. Here is a guide to escape the bombarding questions from those parents and get to class on time and make it through “tour season” smoothly.

“Hello, I am looking for directions to…”
The directions question is the most common among the parents of touring students. Maybe they’ve lost their tour group, or decided to venture off on their own. First and foremost, you must make the parents relay the cadence count back to you. If they’re not able to perform this task, you send them in the complete opposite direction of where they asked to go. However, if they are able to perform the cadence count, you must give them directions in the form of a scavenger hunt riddle, like the little bridge troll the stress of finals has made you become. The last location in the scavenger hunt will be the location they requested to find. Here’s an example: The book store you seek can be located in a building known for shredding the guitar, don’t peak!

“Excuse me, what can you tell me as a student about life at Clemson?
One go-to response for this question is the “Afternoon Delight” method. Have your closest friends at hand, and break out into the song immediately after they ask the question. “Sky rockets in flight, afternoon delight!” Say nothing further and walk away, they’ll get the point. There are no words that can describe the greatness of living on Clemson’s beautiful campus, so just let the song do it. The point of this exercise is to weed out the parents who have kids worthy of being a student here at Clemson. If they don’t appreciate the Afternoon Delight, they will never be ready to appreciate this amazing school.

“What perks do you get to enjoy as a student on this campus?”
First of all, dumb question. Look at this place! What else do we need besides the view of Death Valley on a Saturday night? The best way to respond to this question is to just freeze. This response takes years of practice, and perfection is rarely reached. The student must stand perfectly still, frozen by the question. Hold your breath to really sell the trick.

After several awkward minutes, the parents should harmlessly move on to the next student for interrogation. If you don’t feel confident in the mastery of your freeze technique, simply go mime stuck in a box with it. Give your best impression of being trapped inside of an invisible box, and that should easily make them uncomfortable enough to leave you alone.

The beauty of being a college student is we don’t have to give a shit about what other people think of us. Clemson is a beautiful campus, and therefore receive a lot of visitors to tour the campus. Those two facts are a brilliant mash-up for some good fuckery, and there is no better place to troll parents than here in Tiger Town.

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