Halloween Eve, a night to be filled with candy-driven celebrations and further confused by parents driving on sidewalks to pick up their freshmen for Fall Break, has been marred by a hygienic emergency.
To prepare for the arrival of anxious parents, Clemson had begun its usual frenzied cleanup, not unlike the panicky freshmen all over campus stowing moonshine inside their pillowcases. However, this month’s aesthetic transformation was brought to a halt when the Reflection Pond cleanup crew discovered sophomore Eunice Mudge stuck in the drain.
“At first I figured it must be a fraternity thing,” said maintenance guy Harold Havoc. “I could see that the person was covered in muck—had algae growing on them and everything—but I figured it was just some dumb Halloween stunt.”
However, upon closer inspection, Havoc realized to his horror that it was not just a costume, nor was it an unfortunate fraternity pledge—it was a real, female person.
The story behind this pond perplexion quickly came to light. Mudge had dated a young man over the summer who she described as “a nice guy” and “not too bad looking,” but, upon further inspection, she found that his secret Tumblr yielded unforgivable information.
“He has four cats,” Mudge said, scandalized, “he’s practically a cat lady… and anyways, he updates his Tumblr all the time, so he’s probably secretly a woman too.”
Fearing a potential reunion with the probably-female, secretly-elderly, and obviously demented ex-boyfriend, Mudge took drastic measures to make sure that he would never want to see her again.
“With four cats, I knew he wouldn’t understand normal social interactions, so I had to do something that would really show him it was over,” she said.
Among Mudge’s precautionary measures was her nightly swim in the Reflection Pond, covering herself in a film of mud, algae and dead, unwanted goldfish. As the break drew closer, Mudge even bought a cheap pool floatie on which she slept for most of the week leading up to Fall Break. It was on this floatie that she was very nearly sucked into the drainage system.
Looking back on the photos of the summer, Mudge admitted with pride that she barely recognized herself.
“It just goes to show that anything is possible,” Mudge said. “Before, I was sort of attractive; now everyone thinks I’m smelly and my skin is tinted greenish brown—he definitely won’t want to date me now, even if he does only understand cat language.”
In addition to her time spent in the pond, Mudge turned to gorging on Harcombe pizza, even tilting the slices to drink the grease, and had swollen well past the measly fifteen most freshmen gain. According to the maintenance man, it was all the Harcombe food that probably saved her life, making her so flabby and bloated that she wouldn’t fit down the drainage pipe.
“But I’m not mad,” Mudge revealed to us, adding to nervous representatives that she had no intentions of suing the university. “I’m not mad at anyone! I’m especially thankful to the news people. The news crew snapped a great shot of me back when they still thought I was a zombie goldfish monster, and when I posted it on Facebook and tagged myself, my ex didn’t even comment! It feels so great to be free.”
No word yet on whether or not Mudge has become a blissful singleton or not, but after her early return home for the break, a picture was posted of the still-algae-ridden sophomore, surrounded by cats who appeared to think she was a giant fish.