Everyone hates those tours. The endless lines of confused parents and awkward grade-schoolers moving slowly across campus, getting in everyone’s way, and stealing all the pizza in the dining hall. If in response to all that annoyance you want to mess with them a bit, The Black Sheep has you covered.
10.) Take the tour:
The first one is obvious, just join up with a tour and scream things like “You’re wrong!” or “Nuh-uh!” to everything the tour guide says.
9.) Take the tour with a really bad cold:
That’ll make everyone feel uncomfortable. Also sneeze, cough, or vomit on all the big landmarks like the Thomas Green Clemson statue or the paper airplane sculptures.
8.) Take the tour as a racist:
Put some old person make-up on and get your youngest-looking friend, say you’re a legacy and tell racist jokes loudly by Tillman. Everyone will laugh and laugh,
7.) Correct the tour guide:
Let everyone on the tour know the real Clemson, filled with drunk food havens like Todaro’s or Cook-Out and soon-to-be-regretted sexploits in the dorms when you didn’t know your roommate was still in the room. Then look at the hot mom escorting her daughter and say, “You know what I’m talking about.”
6.) Offer the kids the drugs: This could apply to either the high-schoolers or the little kids’ tours. Just casually ask them if they want drugs, and let them know a place they could go or let them know its super easy to get PCP by the Horseshoe.
5.) Yell, “Beware!”: Dress up like you’ve just trekked across a desert and collapse near a tour before crawling the last few feet up to them and screaming, “Beware the cult of the nine!” Note: This also works with pretend time-travel.
4.) Lab explosion: Dressed in a lab coat and covered in soot, stumble out of Rhodes and act like you’re coughing up a lung. Scream “The solution is unstable!” and run through the tour, breaking them up and knocking someone down, grabbing another and shaking them before collapsing to the ground.
3.) Be PETA: Just run up to someone while they’re enjoying a buffalo chicken wrap in Hendrix and throw red paint on them. Loudly tell the tour how “Meat is murder,” and how you love that Clemson has a devoted, radical, left-wing student body willing to constantly fight for whatever they believe in.
2.) Haymaker: Especially if it’s the little kids and especially if they’re about to eat up all the pizza at Harcombe, just get a real long running start and jump forward at the last second and twist your whole body and just beam a kid right in his stupid face. Then push his buddy down and run out of there before CUPD shows up. He deserved it.
1.) Hostage prank: For this one, you’ll need that baby-faced friend again, as well as another friend in old person makeup. Have them take the tour, but right when it starts, drive up in your serial killer van, throw the door open, grab baby-face and yell “Stay with the tour or the kid dies” before speeding off. The friend in old person makeup freaks out and cries all through the tour, asking questions like, “Where do kids like to go to have fun on campus?” Tour ruined.
Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to the Year in Review episode of our podcast!