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Top Ten: Things that Will Happen After You Graduate


Clemson has been home to many thousands of undergraduate students over the past four years. As spring semester comes to a close, life after Clemson (i.e. becoming a grown-up) is becoming a reality. But what does the outside world hold for these pending graduates? Here are some things that might happen to you after May 7:

10.) You’ll burn out in graduate school:

And when we say burn we mean seriously burn in flames to a crisp like a forgotten grilled cheese. Why did you think you needed another degree when no one is hiring ever? And now you’re overqualified for literally every job. Nice.


9.) You’ll become a gold digger:

You’re gonna have to make up for the loans you took out during your sad attempt at a post-graduate education. Your pimp, Cat Daddy, is a generous man and would love to exchange money for some of that good lovin’.


8.) You’ll go bankrupt in Cambodia:

After your dramatic falling out with Cat Daddy you need a big refresher, so you take a trip overseas. Unfortunately the casino life will be too tempting and you’ll lose all your profits. Time to hang up the dice.


7.) You’ll become a mega cat person:

All your failures lead you to seek some feline comfort. You live, eat, and breathe cat fur. Your life consists of cleaning out litter boxes and swatting cats off the kitchen counters. You end up consistently buying tuna in bulk.


6.) You’ll gain 100 pounds from malnutrition:

With so many cats to take care of getting out of the house is an event, and microwavable mac and cheese is just sooo much easier to make. Unfortunately it all goes to your thighs due to your slowing metabolism.


5.) You’ll literally grow into your couch:

This will become a major health hazard. Surgery to remove the cushions from your ass is necessary. After you’re released from the hospital your friends and family will hold an intervention for you. Seriously, no one is mad, they’re just disappointed.


4.) You’ll become a groupie for a Vine star:

Even though you’re now old and weary, the young Viners relish your wisdom. You get to hitch rides on the tour bus and sometimes guest star in six second videos of #TourLife. The only downside to this is that you’re still living off Easy Mac.


3.) You’ll become homeless:

After living on a bus for 9 months you’re ready for a change. Unfortunately you don’t have a house or apartment, so you take to the streets. You become crafty and work on your knife-throwing skills. This comes in handy for catching local game, like birds and rats, to eat.


2.) You’ll live the carnie life:

A local Ringmaster soon discovers your knife skills and you join a traveling circus. You become the show’s main act and people all across the world come to see you perform. Your talents dazzle everyone; you’ve finally discovered your life’s purpose.


1.) You have no clue yet:

Your racing mind will return to reality, sitting in Ben Secours (not Littlejohn #clemstruction) as the commencement speaker wraps up their long-winded speech about Clemson, Future, Pride, America, and Other Buzzwords. Don’t let the panic attack set in just yet, you might end up becoming a knife-throwing carnie, but hey, life’s a journey, right?  


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