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Meet The 6 Columbia Students Who Failed No Fap November

Ahhh, November. With the onset of the eleventh month of the year comes a number of things: the beginning of the holiday season, No Shave November, but most notably: No Fap November. The month where men (and women) across the nation set out to resist the fervent desire to masturbate for a mere 30 calendar days. While this feat may seem doable, there are many who fall off the wagon far too early. Meet the six students who have already failed No Fap November: 

6.) Kent Holback:
Holback was a promising contender for completing the challenge of No Fap November, having successfully beat it last year (not his dick, but the challenge itself). He was hoping to have a two-year winning streak until Instagram fitness model Sommer Ray uploaded a new photo on Friday evening.

“I couldn’t help myself,” Holback admitted. “Yeah, I considered the fact that I was only three days in, and I could save the photo and hold out until the end of the month, but there was no stopping me.” 

5.) Richard Inhand:
A good friend of Holback and a determined No-Fapper, Richard Inhand was a man with a plan.“Kent is weak,” Inhand said. “Three days and all it took was a fucking picture of some tail on Instagram for him to give up completely? Nah, that won’t be me.”

Inhand disclosed his strategy to complete a demanding exercise routine to channel his testosterone into something other than yanking his crank.

“By the time I get home from the gym, there’s no way I’ll wanna jerk off. I’ll be too tired,” Inhand said.

Inhand’s plan quickly fell flat as he attended the gym on Nov. 4 to find there was a woman he had never seen before working out on the treadmill next to him.

“I chose a gym that mostly dudes work out in, so I was very caught off guard to see a lady in there. I did what any guy would’ve done in that situation. I went into the locker room to relieve myself. But hey, at least I made it further than Kent did.”

4.) Jack Goff:
If any one student was destined to fail this undertaking from the get-go, it was Jack Goff. Goff, a notorious masturbator, set out to complete the task only because his best friend, Paul, made a bet that he wouldn’t last a day.

Goff had the “brilliant” plan of managing his urge to masturbate by beating off only to the point of edging. “It doesn’t count if you don’t cum,” Goff insisted.

In a dismal turn of events, Goff ended up ejaculating during one of his “edging” sessions claiming that his head became “too cloudy to stop.” All within the first 24 hours of the challenge, Jack’s best friend is now $200 richer.

3.) Willy Jergens
Jergens committed himself to NFN after hearing about it on Reddit and sneering at the community of men who couldn’t hold back from jerking off for a measly thirty days. “Surely I can do that,” he scoffed.

Turns out Jergens was just like the rest of the group, wimping out after a woman grazed his body during his commute on the L during the second day. He subsequently went to pound one out in a campus bathroom.

2.) Holden Woodard
Holden Woodard was the “golden boy” of the group—he held a great amount of potential in the feat to overcome No Nut November. Woodard had someone no other competitors had: a girlfriend. Because of this, the need for Woodard to masturbate is minimum to none. Or so he thought. Although he had confidence going into the ordeal, he gave in after a week of the challenge. His excuse? His girlfriend’s tits “don’t quite compare to Lisa Ann’s.” Pathetic.

1.) Ima Cummings:
Lastly, Ima Cummings was unique from the rest of the failed No-Fap students in that she was the one female we interviewed. Cummings decided to engage in NFN because she wanted to see if abstaining from masturbation would actually change her life in any substantial way. However, her moment of surrender came when she was invited to see the new Thor movie starring Chris Hemsworth by her friends during the second week of the challenge. She may be the only female of the group, but she did last the longest. Who said women are the weak ones?

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