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Columbia College Library Permanently Closes After Sole Printer Explodes

In a historic turn of events for the school, Columbia College Chicago administrators announced Thursday that the school’s library would be shutting down after the singular printer located inside tragically perished. Reports have surfaced that library computers have already been set on fire and the books have been thrown into Lake Michigan.

“I went to print my thesis paper—“The Top 10 Stunt Animals in Cinematic History”—when all of a sudden the printer started sizzling and burst to smithereens. Flames everywhere,” said third-year student, Steven Hughes. 

“It was pretty crusty and had green slime oozing out of it…we should’ve seen this coming,” Hughes continued. “It looked like it was gonna blow up pretty much all semester.”

At press time, no injuries or fatalities have been reported.

“I think Columbia just shoved several dead bodies in the supply closet and called it a day, in all honesty,” said Maggie Johnson, the next person in a line of hundreds to use the printer. “I don’t really know why they had to shut down the entire library, but whatever, I guess.”

In its heyday, Columbia was known for having multiple print laboratories with more than one printer. However, in an effort to recognize that Columbia can only provide so much luxurious convenience, President Kim shut every single one of them down earlier this semester.

Students decided to put together a silent vigil this past weekend, complete with candles, flowers, spoken word performances and ink cartridges left at the library steps. Along with this, several bagpipe players and a mariachi band walked up and down Michigan Avenue for 12 straight hours in remembrance.

While the Columbia library may be closed, it is certainly not forgotten. If you listen closely, you can still hear the sound of printing, mouses clicking, and frustrated sighs in the air.


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