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Columbia Student Transfers to DePaul for Job Security

Third year Columbia student and BFA Basket Weaving major Ben Moore recently decided to transfer to DePaul to study Environmental Science next semester, citing “job security” as his main decision for the switch.

“I simply feel like I’m not getting a well-rounded education here,” Moore said. “I’m worried about what I can do with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Basket Weaving post grad, so I think I need to switch over to something more stable like Environmental Science.”

With a whopping 31% of students dropping out after their first year, it’s no wonder why some students become curious about other majors at other schools.

Moore went onto further criticize the lack of a versatile education offered at Columbia, failing to mention that he only had 10 credit hours last semester and didn’t bother to take any math or science classes.

“I just feel like the curriculum here isn’t going to prepare me for today’s job market,” Moore said. “Yeah, I could be a struggling basket weaver in Chicago, but it would also be nice to have the means to feed myself.”

Nevertheless, Moore has neglected to acknowledge that hardly anyone ends up working a job that corresponds with what they studied in college.

“I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing when I was 20,” said Columbia alumnus, Jeff Larson. “I went to Columbia and studied pottery. Now I’m a sales consultant.”

“At the end of the day, employability is all about networking,” said another alumnus, who asked to remain anonymous because of his immense success. “Building relationships with like-minded individuals in your field with the end goal of getting hired. Oh, and nepotism. Good old fashioned nepotism.”

Initially, Moore was enamoured with all of the charms of art school, but said that after his second year, he quickly became overwhelmed with both existential dread and crippling self-doubt.

“At first, I was stoked to take classes where we discussed the cultural impact of memes. I thought, ‘Wow, this is so cool. What an alternative education I’m getting.’ But now I’m realizing talking about memes in a job interview probably won’t increase my chances of getting hired,” Moore said.

Moore is unique in that he has come to accept these circumstances rather early. Conversely, many art school students go on to apply for graduate art programs, delaying reality as much as possible.

After a long period of considering other schools and majors, Moore settled on taking up Environmental Science at DePaul, where he feels he’ll receive a more quality education.

“One time I was in Lincoln Park and I passed some of the DePaul dorms, and there were these kids playing frisbee out on the quad and I was like ‘Wow. This is truly a place where I can learn,’” Moore said. 

Weeks later, while going through the process of applying for transfer, Moore finally came to the realization that studying Environmental Science won’t guarantee him a job, and that finding employment is a nightmare no matter what college you attend.

“Yeah, I kinda realized I was being a giant piss baby about this whole college major thing,” Moore said. “Either way, adulthood fucking blows and there’s no way of getting around that. I think I’ll apply to grad school after this, though. That’ll definitely land me a job.”

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