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6 Places to Curl Up in a Ball After Failing Your Finals

The time has come where all hope is lost and the inevitability that you’ll fail your finals has arrived. Although you still have a sliver of remaining faith that somehow you have gotten through with a passing grade, you know it’s not likely. Suddenly, here you are huddled in fetal position somewhere in Chicago, trying to forget the downfall of adulthood. There are six places at Columbia you’ll end up curling into a sad, pathetic ball, sobbing like a baby, after failing your finals.

6.) Under their dorm room bed:

A simple, easy place to locate Columbia students in distress. It’s dark, it’s dusty, and it muffles the whimpers of failing young-adults. Some students stay hidden for so long that they are registered as a missing person until they re-emerge to repeat the cycle with finals. Many are expected to hide under their beds during finals and find solace with the lint bunny they now call their therapist.

5.) Out front of the classroom where said midterm was failed:

For some students, it takes a day or two to set in the fact that they failed their finals, but for others, it takes mere seconds from leaving the classroom. As soon as they leave the room, grief strikes, and a combination of wailing and curling up is to be expected. Although this spot is rather open and vulnerable, students who take to this location find catharsis in the students passing by saying, “Hey, at least you showed up to your midterm. I stayed in my dorm and ate Doritos.”

4.) In the back corner of a 7/11:

The nearby 7/11 is commonly referred to by many as a “haven for destroyed students.” During their expedition to hang with some Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, students find themselves slowly melting into a huddled ball in the corner by the freezer section. While crouched, sucking their thumbs, it is expected one employee will confront the student on their behavior and ask them to leave the store. 

3.) On a bench at the Harrison Red Line stop: 

A common location to find homeless people trying to find warmth, the Harrison Red Line stop is also an ideal place for students to mourn their inability to take tests. It is common to spot two or three students at a time taking up whole benches and missing their trains to their apartments. These students are prone to attracting subway violinists who further submerge the Columbia students into an even more depressive state.

2.) In a random elevator:

Thought of as a way to get up and down a building, the elevator is actually a terrific place for a Columbia student to mourn their failed final. With each new level that the elevator reaches during the finals season, it is likely to pick up another defeated student. Once it reaches the first floor, the elevator is likely to have four or five students bunched up on the elevator floor looking like newborns who were just abandoned.

1.) Huddled under The Bean:

This spot not only attracts tourists, but the shell of failed students as well. The Bean is an ideal location for Columbia theatre majors as they love being overdramatic and seeing everybody marvel at their vulnerability. It also works as a great cover for any incoming rain or snow and allows the students to pity themselves on the hard concrete while tourists snap pictures of them, thinking it’s a performance piece. Students can also witness their ugly cry, thereby giving them the ability to take ironically sad photos to post on their finstas.

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