Nothing is as hellish as moving in and out of dorms. Mix the backdrop of a bustling city with the busiest day on campus, though, and you’ve got one huge mess. Parents don’t really understand the Columbia community and only get a small peak in a few times a year. If there’s one person that’s more frustrated than anyone when move-out day arrives, it’s your irritable balding father. Here are all the things your weird dad will probably say on Columbia College move out day during Manifest this year.
6.) “Just leave it behind”:
Trudging back through a crowd of sweaty 19-year-olds covered in glitter is not going to be worth retrieving your favorite childhood blanket, at least not for your dad. Sorry, kiddo.
5.) “Just fix it with a little duct tape and toothpaste!”
You’re having a minor meltdown because there is a hole in your wall and the drawer in your desk is broken, but thankfully dad is to the rescue!!! Using just the bare minimum supplies you have in your dorm, he is able to D.I.Y. himself into a shiny, clean dorm room!
4.) “Oh, so this is what I pay $30k a year for?!”:
He’ll say it multiple times – when the parade of interpretive dancers passes by, when you hand him your box of art supplies from Theater Foundations I, when he finds the box of flavored Trojan condoms underneath your bed – and it stings more every time. Especially since your dad didn’t help you pay for college at all, save for the application fee and the gas money to get you out of his house.
3.) “I’m not taking orders from anyone with purple hair!”
You knew he wouldn’t really understand the way this campus works, so be thankful that the only thing that really put him over edge was the ridiculous look your RA gave after she inspected the cleanliness of your room and ordered you to clean the dirt out of the refrigerator your dad popped OFF on the sensitive poetry major.
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2.) “We’re fitting in this elevator”:
After waiting 20 minutes for an elevator, he screams in the face of another freshman’s family until they sheepishly back out of the elevator and let you in. Where was this backbone when you were being harassed by strange men on the train?
1.) “Fuck this, I’m waiting in the car”:
He gave it the old college try, but he’s done. All the colors and the loud screams proved to be just too much for this middle aged man. He’ll be in the car, planning out all the bathroom breaks for the long drive home.
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