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Entire Theatre Department Mortified To Learn They All Have The Same Sugar Daddy

Jealousy, confusion, and general embarrassment were felt throughout the Getz Theatre Centre earlier on Thursday when literally every single theatre student discovered that they all have the exact same sugar daddy: 54-year-old Wayne Nicholls, who works as a strategic director at Chicago-based firm Leo Burnett.

“I was talking to my classmate in the elevator about how amazingly sweet my new sugar daddy is,” said first-year musical theatre major, Gina Halpert. “When I went into detail, she looked at me odd and said it all sounded similar to her (sugar daddy). She pulled up her phone, showed me her most recent snap, and there was my Wayne, naked as the Fourth of July.

“His face wasn’t in the picture but I could recognize those saggy balls anywhere,” added Gina.

The news quickly spread throughout the Getz as literally every single theatre student realized that they were all currently being patronized by Mr. Wayne Nicholls.

“I’m so upset,” said second-year acting major, Kimberly Wycliffe. “(Wayne) knew how to make me feel so special. He always bought me the bougiest purses and shoes. I can’t believe that there were hundreds of other (sugar babies) this whole time. This is so embarrassing.”

“It’s so surprising that everyone is in on this, especially the girls. Wayne is lit’rally (sic) the gayest old man I ever met,” said second-year theatre directing major, Jeremy Watson. “I mean, good for him for being inclusive. I’m just wondering how he affords all this. He bought me Gucci slides and a belt just yesterday, and subsidized my $700 spending spree at Sephora last week.”

“Wayne has always been a loose cannon,” said Girard Steffensen, theatre department chair. “It’s almost kind of sweet how he provides for so many of our students. Additionally, he has been known to offer his “services” to several part-time faculty members, which was always a godsend for those poor souls.”

After much thought, the entire Columbia College theatre department decided that, despite everything, it was nice seeing an individual care enough about so many people to help them through financially difficult times.

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