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Columbia Freshman Wrongly Compares Manifest to Coachella

Last Tuesday, Columbia freshman Bethany Marks reportedly was overheard telling her friends that Manifest was going to be “lit” this year and “totally just like Coachella,” garnering swift, widespread backlash from her peers. Many students believe Ms. Marks should be fined or even incarcerated for such a ridiculous statement, as those who have actually attended Manifest know it is a hot heap of garbage.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into her,” said one of Mark’s friends. “She’s become a total nerd. She even speculated about trying to get a picture with one of those furries and that’s where I draw the line. I haven’t spoken to her since.”

Many veteran Columbia students have repeatedly been ashamed by Columbia’s Manifest, being that it’s always a huge letdown — and Ric Walker is always walking around making everyone uncomfortable.

“All the booth’s have a catch, too,” said Danielle Barris, a senior at Columbia. “I just want a piece of candy or some merch, but it’s like I have to sign up for some shit to get it. I’m sorry, but last I checked I didn’t go to school at a gym.”

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Ms. Marks has been seen preparing for the big event by hoarding Manifest t-shirts and trying to convince her friends to go with her and help her hold up a banner she’s working on that says “Live What You Love ^w^.” Many of her teachers have raised concern for her well-being.

“It’s just so…sad,” said Marks’ writing & rhetoric II professor, Kelsey Deleon, who saw Ms. Marks looking up if Beyonce was going to be attending this year’s Manifest.

While the rest of her peers despise her, Marks found solace in one supporter: Dr. Kim, who reached out to the Columbia freshman last week in an email titled “Thank You for Being the Only Person Who Still Appreciates the Half-Assed Work I Do Around Here.”

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