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SHOCKING: Girl Doesn’t Give a F*** to Go to Lollapalooza

As Lollapalooza returns to the Windy City for its 26th year, most of Chicago is buzzing with anticipation, except for one Chicago resident and rising Columbia junior, Laura Hughes.

As the festival approaches, Laura has become more aware to the fanaticism that surrounds attending the festival. Many of Laura’s close friends and family are flocking to the city just for the four-day Lolla experience and find Laura’s indifference bizarre. She explained to us how initially she made excuses as to why she wasn’t attending, but then decided to just tell everyone the real reason.

“At first, I said that I had prior obligations during the weekend of Lolla,” Hughes said. “I made up a story about having friends coming to visit. But that didn’t work too well, since every last one of my friends are going to Lolla. So then I just started telling people the real reason I’m not going: I don’t give a fuck to.”

“I don’t get it,” said Jacqueline, Hughes’ roommate. “I offered to pay for her ticket, thinking maybe money was the issue, but she still said she didn’t want to go.”

Hughes mentioned that while there are some alluring aspects of attending the festival, she mentioned there are plenty of reasons she doesn’t want to go.

“I mean, yeah, there are a couple artists on the lineup that would be cool to see, I guess,” Hughes said. “But do I want to be in Grant Park for four days in the gross humidity? No. If I wanted to stand in a crowd full of sweaty dudes wearing tank tops, I would’ve just gone to a DePaul frat party.”

Hughes claims that the hardest part about not attending the festival is explaining to her friends that she can still love music, yet not want to go to Lollapalooza.

“Laura is a huge fan of hip-hop and rap, so it’s weird to me that she doesn’t want to see some of the legendary artists performing this year at Lolla. I mean, come on, how often does Chance the Rapper perform in Chicago?!” said  Brandon, Laura’s younger brother.

Wondering if she made a mistake by not buying tickets, Hughes  asked around to see why other people plan on attending this year.

“Oh man, Lolla was nuts last year! I hooked up with like three girls the first day alone,” said Kevin, one guy who Hughes once bought weed from. “It’s a rad atmosphere because it’s a bunch of people of all ages just vibing off each other. You know, looking back I really hope those girls weren’t underaged.”

“Omigod, Lollapalooza is a must if you’re staying in Chicago for the summer,” said Jenna, one of Hughes’ classmates. “Was I broke by the end of the weekend? Yeah. Did I have to skip work the following week because of my throbbing hangover? Yep. But it was truly life-changing.”

“Last year, I got diarrhea halfway through Lolla because I took nine tabs of acid at once,” said Kristy, Hughes’ neighbor. “It was pretty embarrassing because the line for the port-a-potties was so long, so I totally ruined my outfit. It was still such a magical time though — I can’t wait for this year’s festival!”

Lolla sucks! Listen to our podcast instead!

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