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A Guide To Spotting Edgelords At Columbia College

What is an “edgelord” exactly? According to Urban Dictionary, the official definition is, “Someone who uses shocking and nihilistic speech and opinions to gain attention and come across as a more dangerous and unique person.” Well, it’s safe to say there’s plenty of these folk at Columbia. They’re usually the ones posting Edgy Hitler memes on Facebook and wearing chains (for whatever reason). Where can you find this breed of human? What are some of the telling signs you’ve found one? What are they doing? Here’s a guide to spotting edgelords at Columbia. 

6.) Riding a skateboard past the UC:
A boy in dark clothes? Greasy hair flapping in the wind? Out front of the UC? You’ve spotted yourself an edgelord, my friend! Bonus points if they ask you for a lighter and/or cigarette, or if they did a sick skateboard trick conveniently right in front of you. Did they do that? Yeah, they usually do that.

5.) Wearing a fedora in a Jewel-Osco:
Any male aged 14-21 wearing a fedora in 2017 may very well be an edgelord, especially anywhere near Columbia. If you wait there long enough, you’ll find one. Edgelords, like the rest of society, have to grocery shop at some point, and a true edgelord will never leave their trusty fedora at home.

4.) Calling someone a cuck out front of The Dwight:
“Cuck” is a key word when searching for an edgelord. It’s what they call anyone who doesn’t agree with their edgy intellectual opinions. A classic roast. Why do these edgelords swarm aroud The Dwight? Who knows. There must be a lot of cucks there.

3.) Smoking in the Getz alley, even though they aren’t a theater major:
Why this spot? Perhaps it’s the thrown out prop furniture from a recent play that they resonate with, or the newly painted butterfly mural. Nobody knows, but it’s a popular one. They’re usually smoking e-cigarettes and loudly dissecting the dialogue from each episode of Rick and Morty, so you’ll be aware of their superior intelligence.

2.) Lurking in the shadows of that weird wolf statue thing next to the Getz:
There’s usually at least one edgelord sitting around those wolves for no reason at all. Waiting. Even in the Chicago winds and below zero temperatures. What are they even doing? The wolves are covered in sheets right now, for cryin’ out loud! But hey, at least they’re committed.

1.) Talking about suicide at the comedy open mic night:
This is the ultimate giveaway. They thrive off of the SHOCK value and the discomfort of those around them. What better way to disguise your real life problems than than at a Columbia open mic night? Kill yourself if you find a better reason!

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

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