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Local Homeless Man Seeks More Creative Catcalls As Weather Changes

With cooler October temperatures moving in, Chicago residents are abandoning their summer wardrobes for more layers to keep them warm in the upcoming months. Local homeless man Larry “The Ogler” Johnston claims to be particularly affected by the change in temperature as it has forced him to invent more creative catcalls. 

“It’s bullshit,” Johnston grumbled. “From June to August it’s an endless parade of ladies in their hot pants and tank tops. Then, out of nowhere, everyone’s dressin’ like a nun again in their pants and long sleeves. Do you know how much harder it is to comment on a woman’s rack when it’s hidden behind a damn scarf?”

Johnston claims that the transition from summer to fall is one of, if not the most, difficult aspects of being homeless in Chicago. Without a career, Johnston treats catcalling as a full-time job.

“I devote a lot of my time to the sexual objectification of women. Therefore, the changing of the seasons makes my 9 to 5 very difficult,” Johnston said. 

Because this undertaking is so challenging, Johnston has called in the help of his fellow homeless friends.

“We’ve got to band together during this difficult time. I can’t say that it’s not awkward, though,” said Al, Johnston’s friend. “The other day Larry actually stooped to saying something about this girl’s ankles. It was bad.”

“It’s not nearly as fun,” said Wade, Johnston’s other friend. “Saying, ‘Damn, you got nice eyes’ doesn’t have the same effect as saying something about her ass or titties. It doesn’t give me the rush I crave.” 

While autumn proves to be a difficult time for Johnston and his friends, winter provides an even more tasking set of obstacles.

“At least now we can see what women look like for the most part,” Johnston explained. “As soon as the first snowfall hits and the parkas come on, I have to just imagine what a lady’s body looks like underneath all that fluff.”

Johnston currently sets up camp outside of an apartment building on the northside that he claims is a prime observation post.

“It’s great, there’s a lot of tail to be seen here,” Johnston remarked. “It’s a swanky place, so there are a lot of rich lil’ ladies trottin’ in and out of the building. I haven’t been kicked off the premises yet, I think most of them are too chickenshit to complain.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed that guy,” said resident and Columbia junior, Jessica Hendricks. “The other day he told me I have ‘fuckable kneecaps.’. I wasn’t really sure what to do because technically I wasn’t offended, but I was definitely still caught off guard.”

Other women have noted that although the comments have been odd in nature, they haven’t been outright degrading.

“I mean, it could be worse,” said another Columbia student, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of getting catcalled in this article. “I would rather have a guy catcall me for something like my ankles than saying something disgusting about my ass.” 


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