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5 Irrelevant Things About High School You Need To Shut The F**k Up About

For most of us, high school was a turbulent time. Whether or not you enjoyed navigating four years of hormonal changes and identity crises, high school is over. There is a time and a place for talking about how you peaked at sixteen years old, and your 9 a.m. lecture class consisting of 150 students is certainly not the time nor the place. Here are five things irrelevant things about high school, AKA your “glory days,” that you need to shut the fuck up about:

5.) Your shitty post-punk garage band: 
It’s generally safe to say that when someone mentions a band they were in “back in the day,” you can’t help but feel the strong desire to entirely tune out the rest of whatever they’re about to say. It seems like this move is pulled particularly by gangly white dudes from Ohio who haven’t picked up an instrument since graduating high school. Regardless, they feel the need to prove themselves by showing you a video of their band performing at their school’s talent showcase, most likely filmed by their mom from the back row of the auditorium. Even worse, they’ll shove their old Bandcamp page (which consists of four-and-half songs) down your throat. Thanks, but we’ll get on just fine without hearing your 2014 EP Door Sausage.

4.) The lead you played in your high school musical: 
You would think that this one would be limited to theatre majors, but no. Regardless of major, people will beat this shit into the ground until they receive the validation they so eagerly desire. Oh, you played Tony in West Side Story in your sophomore year? As much as you would like it to be a marker of your sheer talent, it’s not remarkable that you got the lead out of the 30 other theatre nerds in your high school drama class. If you’re still actively referencing this one high school lead and you’re continually getting ensemble roles in college, you might want to reassess how “impressive” that achievement was.

3.) Any sports-related victories: 
You realize you’re attending an art school, right?

2.) Prom:
Unless you got chronic diarrhea and had to spend the entire evening in the bathroom on prom night, nobody wants to hear your dumb prom night story. Prom stories are a close second to wedding stories, both being long-winded and incredibly dry. No one cares about how drunk you got or what shade of coral your dress was; these little anecdotes are almost always exactly the same from person to person. And please, if the majority of the photos hanging in your dorm are pictures of you and your prom date in painfully forced poses, it may be time to take some new pictures. Prom was pretty much the same for all of us: over-anticipated and underwhelming.

1.) Your AP and standardized test scores: 
This one is by far the worst of all when you take into consideration where we are. With Columbia’s admission rate and application requirements, a fucking baboon could apply here and still get in. The website practically states, “Send us your SAT scores…you know, if you feel like it.” Columbia’s admission requirements are the bare minimum, yet you still get assholes raising their hand during class to brag about which AP classes they took in high school or what their GPA was. Unless we’re in a European history class, there is no need whatsoever to talk about how you got a 4 on your AP Euro exam back during sophomore year.


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