Third-year Columbia student Jeremy Roberts showed up to class last week stunting in his transition lens glasses, evident that he’s had the same pair since junior high.
“Yeeeeeah, not gonna lie, I was kinda counting on him to have dropped those by now,” admitted Evan, Jeremy’s roommate.
Even Jeremy’s own parents had hopes that he would have upgraded to a different, more sophisticated choice in eyewear.
“You know, most kids shed those accessories that were a part of who they were as their angsty, teenage selves. But no, not our Jeremy,” griped Jeremy’s father.
“And maybe find a girlfriend, too,” chimed in Jeremy’s mother.
Unfortunately for Jeremy, his transition lenses aren’t doing him any favors in the dating department. On multiple occasions, girls have lost interest in Jeremy as soon as they head outdoors with him.
“I’ll be chatting up a girl after class or something, and, in my head, we’re hitting it off. But then we leave the building and all of a sudden she has to go home to feed her cat?”
According to most of Jeremy’s friends, they suspect Jeremy is actually pretty unbothered regarding his glasses, despite how much he looks like he could be one of those dudes with a goatee asking you to hop in the back of his windowless panel van.
“Honestly, I never thought much about how fashionable or unfashionable they may be,” Jeremy admitted. “I just like them because they’re super convenient. Why buy prescription glasses and sunglasses when you can combine the two together?”
Additionally, Jeremy considers his transition lenses as his party trick to the dismay of the majority of his friends.
“We’ll all be indoors, having a good time when Jeremy goes, ‘Hey, watch this!’ just to step outside onto his balcony so we can watch as his lenses slowly darken. It’s a little tired at this point,” Evan, Jeremy’s roommate, explained.
Jeremy’s friends, family, and, frankly, complete strangers collectively hope that with a little persuasion (and motivation to find a girlfriend), this will be Jeremy’s last year of rocking the creepy lenses.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame: