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The Only 5 Jobs You’ll Be Qualified For After Graduating From Columbia

It’s the age-old Columbia meme: “We’Re NeVeR gEtTiNg JoBs!!1! i hAtE mY LiFe! aRt Sko0L!” Listen, relax everybody. There is light at the end of this self-inflicted tunnel. This here is a compiled list of every possible job that nearly every Columbia student is qualified for (yes they’re real jobs). There’s only five. It’s a harsh reality, but you can take ’em or leave ’em. Giddy up.

5.) Dog food taster:

This is exactly what it sounds like: just sittin’ around, eating some dog food. Half of y’all do that everyday at the UC anyways, so it wouldn’t be that different. However, with this job, you need to make sure the flavors of the dog food really balance out. Although some people might do this for free, you can actually get paid while enjoying the culinary arts. What qualifies you to be a dog food taster? All you need is a high school degree and an appreciation for fine cuisine. A degree in culinary arts helps, too. With an annual salary of around $40k a year, the possibilities of a lifetime of cheer are endless!

4.) Ash artist:

What? An ash artist?” you may be asking. Listen up animation majors: if you really wanna bring something to life, ash artistry just might be the perfect job for you. All you gotta do it create anything artsy from dead people ashes for money-like paintings and glass and shit. Pretty neat stuff, right? Earning around $45k a year, they put the “create” in “cremation.” The best part about this job is that you don’t need any proof of education. You just pick up some ashes and go.

3.) Line-stander:

If there’s anything Columbia students know how to do, it’s to stand around outside for several hours and look cool. But how do you profit off that post-college? A long line at a grand opening will give the illusion that whatever they’re trying to sell you is more important and/or cooler than it actually is. This is where professional line-standers come in: Companies will actually hire people to stand outside their stores in a line for hours on end and pay them around $25 an hour. This job does require a five-year degree in intense theater training, so you can really get inside the mind of a real line-stander and sell the performance to the public. Get crackin’.

2.) Chicken sexers:

No, you don’t get paid to have sex with chickens, you sick idiot fucks. What a chicken sexer actually does is lift up a chicken and try to guess whether it’s male or female in mass poultry production. Why would companies need to separate the two? Because they slaughter males and females differently through a complex and delicate process. Chicken sexers make an average of $40k a year. Cluck cluck cha-ching! Applicants must have a degree in gender studies, otherwise no one will trust your judgement and you’ll just look like you don’t know what you’re talking about.

1.) The Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant:

The qualifications for this show and Columbia are essentially the same: have a pulse, and don’t have a serious criminal record. Of course, this is reality television, so a theater degree is strongly encouraged. Anyone of you schmucks could easily get a job as the “misunderstood” contestant of the show. (A Columbia alumnus was actually on The Bachelor. If you can dream it, you can do it.) After you inevitably get booted off, you can just make some easy cash selling tea and sugar bear pills on Instagram for the next five years. 

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