As spring semester slowly crawls to a close, students across Columbia’s campus begin to wonder: “Do I even have a chance at making it out there?”
“This is a common concern among students on this campus,” says student advisor Jennifer Leonhardt. “We try to reassure students by putting on Manifest at the end of the semester. It’s our way of saying, ‘Sorry, at least there’s a party at the end of it all.’”
“After graduation I’m moving back home to Iowa,” says musical theater major and senior, Julie Johnson. “I’m going to grad school to finally learn something I can apply towards a real career. Plus, I’m hoping I can make some money down the line to pay this awful place back.”
Despite this campus wide consensus, one student stands out among the rest. Musical theater senior, Michelle Hochman, still believes she has a shot at making it on Broadway.
“Yeah, I’m talented,” Hochman said. “I have my ticket booked for New York for the day after Manifest.”
“Oh no, she doesn’t have the slightest chance,” Leonhardt said in reference to Hochman. “She looks like a foot, and dances like she doesn’t have any.”
Hochman began studying musical theater at the ripe age of 3 and has had very little success since then. Although she has received an overwhelmingly large number of rejection letters, Hochman still pushes on.
“I’m gonna be told ‘no’ thousands of times before I’m told yes,” Hochman said. “But I’m not about to let that stop me from failing in an incredibly miserable and artistic way.”
“Michelle was my roommate freshman year, and I’m honestly surprised she’s still alive,” Johnson said. “She would eat Pixy Stix for breakfast and say they were her special performance diet. Yet, she was the one who reported me for doing coke off of the dorm’s toilet.”
Students at Columbia are often reminded that a career in the arts means there will be many ups, but mostly downs during the course of their career. A majority of students are beaten down by this fact by the time their final semester rolls around, but a lucky few idiots are still disillusioned that their futures are bright.
“Sadly, she is a lost cause,” Leonhardt said. “Seniors who have a mind set like hers are 95% less likely to make it after graduation than those who have already given up.”
Recent grads of Columbia have historically had the largest success rates when their post-grad expectations fell somewhere between “online prostitution” and “in-person prostitution.” Most alumni report being unable to get high-paying jobs in their field of study until much, much, much later in life.
“Andy Richter is the only really successful alumni we have,” Leonhardt said.
As for seniors like Hochman, they will continue to dream their crazy, impossible dreams and pay for their $25 Uber rides to school with their daddy’s credit card.
“I was born to entertain,” said Hochman, sashaying off into Wabash Avenue traffic.
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