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Places You’re Sure to Catch Someone Masturbating in Downtown Chicago

If there is one thing college kids love doing, it’s masturbating. Buffing the banana, choking the chicken,  flogging the hog — it’s all part of the essential college experience. Believe it or not, many students get so hot and bothered by all the Hentai AirDropped onto their computers that they actually get off right here on campus. Here are a few places you’re sure to catch someone masturbating in downtown Chicago.

8.) In front of the 600 Building:

On a dark and stormy night, you wander campus smoking a Marlboro red, searching for the answers to your broken heart. When you turn onto Michigan Avenue and come face to dick with a stranger, who is stroking it to the oversized portraits on the 600 Building. You make eye contact, drop your still lit cigarette on his exposed penis, and run as fast as you can in the opposite erection. 

7.) The West Stairwell in 1104 S. Wabash:

Since most Columbia students have noodle legs that can’t carry them up more than two flights of stairs, the west stairwell provides sanctuary for any student who just needs to get one out after spending three hours listening to their hot teacher lecture them on film theory. Students can comfortably sit back on those dusty stairs and butter their corn cobs while fantasizing about their manic-pixie-dream-girl turned professor.

6.) By the skatepark:

Watching those boys zoom across the pavement in head-to-toe Obey gets those panties moist. Those bushes are placed right in front of the little patch of dirt juuust big enough to lay across so people can be rubbin’ one out on the daily.

5.) Wing Stop:

Look, we get it. The smell of chicken skins crackling in hot, hot oil combined with the stench of the sweat of actual sports dudes would make any normal person pop a bone, but that DOES NOT give you the right to slap the salami in front of students just trying enjoy their guilty pleasure meal of the week.

4.) The Blum Conference Room (room 508 in the library):

The beautiful wood panels and long table turns everyone on. Open the secret door directly across from the fireplace and find a secret, luxurious portrait of Mrs. Blum herself. Still in her old victorian garb and ready to make direct eye contact with you all the way through your finish.

3.) Lake Michigan:

Beat it right into that gorgeous, full-bodied water. NOW that’s salt water.

2.) Jackson Tunnel:

What doesn’t happen in the Jackson Tunnel? It is the center of all that is worth catching happen in the city! Start a punch card game with friends and whoever gets to seeing 69 fappers first wins a free therapy session courtesy of Columbia College Chicago.

1.) New Student Center:

THE STUDENTS PAID FOR IT, AND THEY WILL DO WHAT WE WANT WITH IT. It’s not their fault the secluded rooms with ample amount of natural lighting will make them feel at peace as they flick the bean in between classes.

 

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