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President Kim Closes All On-Campus Bathrooms, Citing Budget Cuts

Citing recent budget cuts, Columbia College Chicago President Dr. Kwang-Wu Kim has closed down all on-campus bathrooms in an attempt to save more money.

In a public forum held at Hokin Gallery, “Let’s Shit with Dr. Kim” allowed Kim to field questions from students on why bathrooms were the latest to fall victim to a list of programs and resources cut at Columbia. 

“While we understand that this may be inconvenient to some students, it is an important and necessary decision,” Kim said. “With the money saved on plumbing, toilet paper, and other extraneous utilities, we can reallocate funds to more important projects, such as building the new student center or padding my overflowing coffers.”

Originally, Kim’s plan was to merely make small cuts to the school’s bathroom programs, with a trial run reducing the toilet paper to one-ply.

However, this proved ill-advised when students began wiping their greasy assholes with the numerous trash books written by the school’s faculty, with some claiming it was “doing more for my ass than it is for my brain.”

Justifying the decision, President Kim went on to say that “it is important for students to learn to work in less-than-ideal conditions. As working artists, students will often find themselves engulfed in their own shit with no place to put it. This is just another way that Columbia helps prepare students for the real world.”

When asked where students are now supposed to relieve themselves, President Kim suggested the alleyway behind the theater building, Lake Michigan, or directly onto a film student’s Cinema Foundations final.

Some students, however, had other ideas, protesting the cuts by walking out of class to crap all over campus.

Students crapped on the terribly named cameras in the TV cage and on the garishly colored furniture in the Plymouth lobby. In a surprisingly fitting metaphor for their later career, students even crapped out of the windows of the library onto unsuspecting citizens below.

“This whole campus is a fucking toilet, anyway; let’s just act like it,” said one student of the protests.

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