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President Kim Shortens Columbia’s Thanksgiving Break to 12 Hours

In an effort to minimize downtime at Columbia and “save some money,” President Kim has decided to shorten the length of Columbia’s Thanksgiving break to a paltry 12 hours.

“What? That should be enough time to fly home, see your family, eat dinner and fly back to Chicago,” Kim noted in an interview. “What’s the big deal?” 

Many students were outraged to hear about this change, and a flood of questions quickly followed. President Kim explained the school’s financial status in response to these questions.

“The school is simply too broke to handle two days off,” Kim said. “At first, we thought the rise in tuition would be enough to compensate for the school’s deficit, but unfortunately we have to resort to more…severe measures.”

When asked about why these actions were necessary in the first place, the college’s administrative team stated that more money is needed “because inflation” and as a result of “undisclosed expenses.”

The school reportedly will be spending more money on murals around the South Loop to promote the school, and even more funky, retro furniture for the apartments in the Dwight. Many students couldn’t help but ask about the new Student Center that is in the works, which will cost the school $40 million.

However, the administration assured students that this money will not be coming from their tuition dollars, but instead President Kim will run a lemonade stand himself to raise the money to fund the project.

Along with the shortening of Thanksgiving break, other changes include an increase in instructional fees on courses, inflating the cost of on-campus housing, and allocating even more funds towards the film department.

“This is bullshit,” complained Laura Houtman, a California native. “It’s already hard enough for me to fly four hours home just for a few days for Thanksgiving, and now we only get half a day? What am I supposed to do?” 

While some students are outraged by this sudden change, others are surprisingly pleased.

“Honestly, I’m not angry about it,” said junior Wesley Kloet. “I kinda hate my family. And Thanksgiving is a boring-as-shit holiday. I’m fine with staying in Chicago instead of eating a bird and answering the same questions over and over again from different family members.”

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