Dating in a major metropolitan area can be a challenge. Luckily, Chicago is a city where the offspring of Midwestern farmers roam and where people don’t really know what exercise is. But don’t fret: even if you are a nocturnal, horned, disease-mongering creature (AKA, a Gremlin), you can still make Midwesterners fall head over heels for you. Here are seven signs you’re a 10 in the Midwest, but a Gremlin everywhere else.
7.) Chicago men love your voice:
One would think that having a throaty growl would put a potential suitor off, but in Chicago that’s not at all the case. Snarling, grunting, and frothing at the mouth in conversation would be considered uncouth if you were in New York or LA, but here it’s all part of putting on the charm. Midwestern dudes like a girl who is hardened, one with grit and a certain amount of spunk. By proudly flaunting your growl, your date will find your inability to speak English totally alluring and will be begging to take you home by the end of the night!
6.) Here, your insatiable appetite is considered ‘cute’:
Feeding is one of the most essential parts of maintaining your Gremlin form. To sustain yourself, you must satisfy your hunger nearly every 20 minutes. Your meals consist of the major food groups: candy, pastries, and junk food. Having to stop at Dunkin’, Stan’s and Do-Rite while your date is walking you home may appear odd if you were dating anyone but a Midwestern man. Here, he finds your gluttony endearing and is happy to accompany you (even if you don’t want to share any, you greedy girl!)
5.) One foot tall? No problem:
Your species is characterized by their short stature and it comes to no surprise that being tall is often more desirable. Coastal American cities have a large population of models who set the bar high (literally!), though in the Midwest, these Amazonian standards don’t apply as the people are much more realistic and down-to-earth. Standing at 12 inches tall, you still find yourself lining up dates.
4.) He won’t ask you to moisturize:
Any guy going in for a hand-hold would surely be put off by your reptilian skin. Your clawed hands drag along the ground as you walk and your body is encompassed in coarse, flaky scales. But the guys in Chicago are willing to look past the Sahara-like essence of your hands.
3.) Your photosensitivity isn’t weird to him:
Being a Gremlin means you are awfully sensitive to bright light. When going out to eat with a new guy, you always pick the restaurant to ensure it is dim lit. You know if you were exposed to the light, your body would commence the enzymatic process to deconstruct itself until you’re just a goopy, green pile of gunk of cells. You wouldn’t want that to happen directly in front of your new beau! Lucky for you: he thinks eating in low light is romantic.
2.) Starbucks employees still flirt with you despite your mutant claws:
At your local Starbucks, you find yourself regularly flirting with the cute barista despite some of your more undesirable physical attributes. Anywhere else, the sight of your gangly, scaly claws would make any employee shudder as he hands over your change. But it’s different here: your toothy grin doesn’t repel him, even though your teeth are razor-sharp and the smell of your breath is reminiscent of fermenting garbage. By batting your beady, blood-red eyes at this barista, his interest is piqued and he wonders to himself, “What was she doing all night?”
1.) Your tendency to clone yourself is quirky:
It is a well known fact that Gremlins multiply when they get wet, therefore showering is not an option for you. Despite how dirty you get, Midwestern men still find themselves drawn to you – perhaps it’s your rank body odor that reminds him of the kitchen of a Jimmy John’s. Or maybe he has a cold and his nose is blocked up. Either way, you’re happy that he likes you just the way you are.
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