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7 Spiked Dishes To Serve At Your Lame Drug-Free Friendsgiving

For any Thanksgiving orphans who can’t fly home over the holidays, Friendsgiving is a great way to settle. Bonding over an amateur dorm-cooked meal and Holiday FOMO can turn any acquaintances into the best of pals. With school closed, it’s also a great time to experiment with heavy drugs. However, getting stuck with your peers who are “too afraid to trip” can put a damper on your home alone holiday. Here’s a few ways to make sure you have a good time.

7.) Cocaine and Xanax salt shaker:
If you don’t care about visuals and just want to get your friendsgiving over with, Yanny Salts are by far the easiest and most discreet recipe. Crush up the powder-white pills and layer a few lines in your personal salt shaker. The cocaine will skyrocket you through small talk and overeating like a champ. But once the Xanax kicks in, you’ll be gone before the food coma even hits.

6.) Molly corn
Pop-a-corn, I’m sweatin’! This classic side is perfect for those of you who really want to like these people. Just slip a molly crystal into several corn kernels and serve cold. After about 30 minutes, you’ll be massaging each other’s cheeks with mashed potatoes and crying over how beautiful they look. Embrace the urge to chew with celery stalks and drink plenty of water.

5.) Heroin ham:
If your mantra is “YOLO” and you’re okay with ruining lives, you’ve got to try heroin ham. To properly do this, tie up the ham and slap it around like a bad parent. Once you’ve found its most tender spot, boil up your smack on a spoon and inject the ham with a clean needle at a 45º angle. The nice thing about heroin ham is that you get the same bloodstream mind fuck without all the mess and infections. The bad thing is you and your friends have a strong chance of getting hooked on shooting up cold cuts.

4.) Cranberry codeine sauce:
Talkative acquaintances that never use their inside voices could benefit from a little lean. No one will recognize your purple drank in this sneaky side dish. Simply soak a handful of cranberries in a cup of sizzurp for a few hours. If your friends start to slur their speech or stare blankly at the food, you’ll know it’s kicking in.

3.) LSD stuffing:
If these friends are so boring that you’ll most likely be eating in silence, drug them with something that will allow them to truly explore their minds. LSD stuffing is perfect for unlocking conversation topics that defy any TED Talk out there today, such as “If this is America’s most popular meal of the year, why aren’t there any Thanksgiving restaurants?” Rip up a few tabs and sprinkle them in with the stuffing breadcrumbs after baking. Before the walls begin to melt, remember to put on a soothing song to ease your friends transition into another dimension.

2.) Roasted shrooms:
If you’re in the mood for a euphoric (possibly scary) adventure, roasted shrooms will take you on a Haj unlike any other. These can be easily disguised in a vegetable medley of roasted green beans and brussel sprouts. Just butter up the veggies and roast them in the oven with some salt. These dangerously delicious fungi will create intense hallucinations for you and your friends at the dinner table. Just remember: Don’t fear the breathing turkey.

1.) Apple-pipe pie:
DIY stoners, this is the perfect way to reuse any apple pipes you’ve been hoarding. Treat your pals to a calming high for dessert with apple-pipe pie. Slice up four of those bad boys and place them neatly inside a thick piecrust. Glaze over it with your favorite jam and bake at 420ºF. Your friends may find bits of resin or ask you about the smokey flavor, just let them know your apples were pre-baked.


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