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Columbia Student Outshined by Sibling Who Attends Real College

Many Columbia students braced themselves to be outshined by their more impressive siblings at the Thanksgiving dinner table this year, including comedy major, Emma Van der Meer, whose older brother, Liam, scored an internship at Amgen, a bio-pharmaceutical company.

“I was telling my grandma about how I recently finished writing my one-woman show, and then my dad butted in to blab about how proud he was of Liam for the dumb internship he got,” Emma explained. “It was like everyone at the table forgot I was there.”

Liam, 21, is a biomedical engineering student at Boston College.

“Liam isn’t necessarily my favorite,” said Emma and Liam’s mother, Joan. “But in terms of career prospects, there’s no doubt that he is the more promising one. Okay, yeah, and I’d probably pick him in a Sophie’s Choice situation.”

At the dinner table, Liam tried his best to deflect the attention off of himself to allow Emma to finish her story, though to no avail.

“It was awful—everyone at the table was sucking his dick, metaphorically,” Emma said. “Liam this, Liam that. Nobody cared to ask about my semester at Second City, or the stand-up I’ve been working on for weeks. It’s like they don’t understand how life-changing the work I’m doing is. Liam thinks he’s such a hot-shot because he works in a lab developing medicine or whatever. Big deal.”

Emma has been in a rivalry with Liam since they were kids, unbeknownst to him. While Emma has always fiercely competed with him, Liam has remained supportive of Emma’s choices and goals.

“I don’t have a problem with what Emma is doing. I think it’s awesome. She’s a talented kid, I’m happy to see she’s pursuing what she loves,” Liam said. 

“That fucking asshole. Of course he would say something like that,” Emma said. 

Emma attempted to make a few jokes to take the attention off of Liam’s internship, only to get brushed away by the sibling’s aunt. 

“Shhh, sweetie, Liam’s talking.” Aunt Carol said. 

Tensions reached an all-time high when Emma stood up from the table and began to yell.

“Fuck you Liam, fuck your internship, and fuck all of you,” hollered Emma across the table.

However, Emma’s act of cursing out everyone sitting at the table was misinterpreted, as her family assumed she was doing a bit.

“She’s really perfected her craft, she seemed really angry there,” Joan said.

“Oh, it was real cute,” said Karen, Emma’s grandmother. “I’m impressed with her acting skills. I’m not sure why she didn’t come back to the table though.”

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