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The 6 Teachers That Need to (But Never) Get Fired at Columbia

The teachers here at Columbia are what some may call eccentric, but more often are referred to by the student body as “lame as hell.” Most are industry professionals who help introduce you to other professionals in your field, but a lot of them are extremely unqualified to be in charge of a group of young minds. They often make us wonder how our state school friends would react if any of their professors acted like ours do. Here’s the six teachers at Columbia that should be nowhere near our school:

6.) The one who followed you on Instagram:
It’s already weird that a college professor is following a 20-year-old on Instagram, but what’s really messed up is that your username isn’t even your actual name. How did this teacher take the time to search for you on Instagram? It makes the scene they make you perform in class about a teacher having an affair with a student pretty weird now. Extra creepy points for every time they like one of your thirst trap selfies. Definitely call the police if they show up to an event you are promoting through Instagram.

5.) The one who doesn’t know how to properly mix prints:
How can one little old man own so many printed sweaters, and yet still not know how to compliment them with a bold solid? This attack on student’s eyes is more than enough to ban them from campus for decades to come.

4.) The one who never knows what the hell is going on:
The faculty equivalent of a chicken with their head cut off. The students themselves have to tell the teacher what’s on the syllabus for each week’s lesson — that is, after the professor shows up fifteen minutes late, sweating like a hog. The only reason she hasn’t been reported more is that the students love being able to turn in all their homework weeks late, since they know she won’t be grading any of it until week 15 anyways.

3.) The one who uses derogatory terms:
It doesn’t seem like they’re actually full of any sort of hatred, they just love to watch the world burn. What they say might not technically be offensive, but definitely makes many of the students uncomfortable and allows them to talk smack behind the teachers back. Which is what every Columbia students loves to do, almost as much as they love tripping skateboarders on Wabash Avenue.

2.) The one who smells like beef:
HOW is it week 11 and there is still no answer as to why he always smells like beef? It’s not even a subtle sprinkling of the scent, but rather a deep soaking wet stench of beef coming out of every pore and sticking onto every article of clothing. This teacher is not only distracting you from your studies, but is becoming a biohazard to the whole building.

1.) The one who’s racist:
Listen, everyone in the class knows she’s racist and everyone has talked about it. Except for that one kid who voted for Trump but still goes to Columbia for some reason. He sucks. Time and time again, she brings in obviously racist scripts to read and breaks down into tears when confronted, but no one will fire her for some reason. Maybe her superiors are also racist? Seems fitting on this campus.


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