Washington, DC – Following a short deliberation process, members of the FTC’s Truth in Advertising Commission have issued a cease-and-desist order to Columbia College Chicago’s administration mandating that the word ‘athletics’ be formally stricken from the name ‘Columbia Renegades Athletics.’
“Our main priority here is to protect the average consumer from misleading information,” said commission head Mark Danielson. “The commission has decided that the inclusion of the word ‘Athletics’ in the Renegades’ title could mislead the public into believing that the organization is affiliated with actual competitive sports.”
“Initially, we believed the misleading information claim to be unfounded, as the Renegades appeared to be just another collegiate athletic organization,” continued Danielson. “But upon further review, we discovered that not only are the Renegades completely unaffiliated with the NCAA or NAIA, but they also don’t offer participation in any real sports. Instead, members either play a game called Quidditch, which is derived from a popular children’s literature series, dress in faux-medieval garb and whack each other with foam claymores, or partake in video games such as Fortnite, Overwatch, and Mindcraft (sic).”
“When I heard the Renegades were attempting to form a marching band to perform at the halftime of the Quidditch games, it honestly made me very sad,” added Danielson. “But as much as it filled me with pity, this commission has a job to do, and that job is to protect consumers from misleading information. We stand by our decision.”
The order also called for Columbia’s Student Athletic Association to replace the word ‘Athletic’ in their title with ‘Activities’ in order to more accurately reflect the organization’s function.
“(The cease-and-desist order) was totally uncalled for,” said Charlie Potnick, Student Activities Association president and Quidditch captain. “I can no longer put ‘collegiate athlete’ in my Tinder bio.”
As of press time, members of the Truth in Advertising Commission were deliberating whether or not to remove the word ‘College’ from Columbia College Chicago.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame: